the view from here

i'm baaack

2011-07-18T13:04:00.002-06:00

since it's been far too long to really catch up... i'll just say, it's good to be back. too many things happened in life the last few months to go into it in detail. so, i'll just say, in a nutshell...

charlie continues to amaze. he is growing and growing and changing and changing. grandma crane passed onto the next phase, and i miss her dearly. i know i'll likely need to write more about this, and will, but just not ready yet.

apparently i had writer's block or something of the sort. because everytime i sat down to write, here, it just didn't come out. i've been devouring books and loving observing life. charlie has kept me tremendously busy. i am so proud to be his mama. he truly is a gift in my life. he has such a presence which commands attention in a purely positive way.

lots of changes and transformations happening right now.

one transformation is that i turned 37 years old last week. wow. i still believe that every year gets better. i grow into myself more and more. i learn what is important, more deeply. and i realize how much my life is no longer just lived for me...

in their shoes

2011-02-26T19:41:00.000-06:00

i feel inspired most days. i have so many things that i hold onto and mull over within my own mind that never seem to make their way onto a page or into a conversation. this is a normal occurrence for most, i'm sure. but, sometimes i do wish that i would stop and write or talk when i have certain ideas or thoughts. well, this is one of those times. i actually used to be way better at writing... and actually writing... putting pen to paper. i miss that physical contact with paper. i loved the ritual of sitting in my bed (before husband, step kids, son) with a glass of wine (or cup of coffee, depending on time of day) and my moleskin, scribbling away as quickly as i could, trying to capture all the thoughts speeding through my head. college was the time i did that most. perhaps it was because i was procrastinating on what i really should have been writing or reading.

anyway, the reason i'm here, at this moment in time, is because i realize every day how lucky i am to have great parents and to have had a solid upbringing. there are so many obstacles each day, big and small. when you have a solid support system, you are that much more ahead of the game. i think more and more about my parents and their job in raising me and my siblings, now that i'm a mom. i realize what a fantastic job they did. there are some days that i really feel like i want to explode due to frustration or whatever the emotion may be. i stop myself and ask "what would my mom/dad have done in this particular situation?" (nope, not jesus). i'm usually asking that in regards to my teenage step sons or just life in general. with charlie, i simply get frustrated with myself sometimes because i don't know what to do in certain situations. i feel like i'm flailing, thrashing around in this world of mamahood. when i think of either one of my parents, i'm able to come back to my center and realize that i'm human and that if i continue to have unconditional love, then all will fall into place. and it does.

even though i didn't ever recognize it (probably because i was too self consumed in my own world) i'm sure my parents had their moments of feeling like the world was falling apart. i definitely get to have conversations with them now, as an adult, that seem to be more two sided... in every way, especially in them being able to unload things. obviously things they couldn't do when i was younger. mostly because i was too immature to handle it or understand. also because they didn't want to worry me.

life is funny that way. everything comes around full circle. as a kid, we feel the world is ours, that we are the center of the universe. our parents raise us, take care of everything, make sure we're fed, educated, supported. and then, kids become parents. in my situation, i became a parent with a wholehearted desire to be one. and still... each day, there is a lesson, a reflection. i'm able to appreciate my parents for their role in my life and am able to give it to charlie, jordan, jomar and tash. they, like me back when, have no idea how much their parents love them and silently make their lives better and easier. and so it goes on...

so, while charlie enjoys wearing my shoes, feeling his feet slip around in them because they are overwhelmingly too big. he won't understand the largeness of them until his kids are walking in his. i'm so glad i am witness to him wearing mine. i understand, more or less, that my feet would now fit into my parents' (metaphorically, of course).

beachy christmas

2011-01-05T09:35:00.002-06:00

apparently the anticipation of christmas is tiring.

love my truck!

hmmm, what's in my stocking?

happy guy

thanks dad, for my new ear phones.

playing in all the wrapping paper

mmm, appetizers before we get to the island

ry and parker trying to get us christmas lunch

piper cuddling her mama

thee fisherman himself

cutest kiddos enjoying the sand and new toys

friends FOREVER

sylvia the chef in her "kitchen"

checking out the sharks off the dock

not even kidding, this baby boy played in the sand for at least 45 minutes,

silent and completely happy

parker and jomar swinging from the mangroves

each year on christmas, we navigate through new traditions and figure how best to celebrate. this year, my husband was off, for the first time EVER. between christmas and new year's the island is its busiest. it's crazy and we always have the option of working (a lot), on christmas, if we so desire. i have always chosen to stay home with the kids and enjoy christmas with them and whoever else is here with us. well, this year, i had access to oliver's calendar and swiftly marked christmas off. shannon and ryan and their kids were in town and i figured that could be the day they were out on the boat, with all of us as well. it was perfect.

we started the morning out with opening presents and enjoying a yummy breakfast made by grama sylvia. it was so nice that oli didn't have to rush off to work. soooo very nice. he was so relaxed and completely enjoyed hanging out with his boys and wife and mom.

we then gathered all our beach items and got in the boat. picked shannon, ryan, parker and piper up from the phoenix and headed south to our own private island. on our way over, we stopped to grab lunch. fish. straight out of the sea. all the boys contributed and piper even grabbed a rod for a little while. shannon, sylvia and i chilled and watched.

when we arrived to bajo caye, there was only one person there, the caretaker. we took over the island and watched sylvia and oliver prepare our delicious lunch while drinking some lighthouse. so peaceful. charlie and piper enjoyed the sand together while the big boys got to play on hammocks, swing in the mangroves and take naps. we were able to stay on the island for a couple of hours before heading back to san pedro. dinner at blue water grill topped off our night since cooking seemed like too much work this year.

christmas tends to be a bitter sweet day for me. as i'm sure is the same for many. living away from loved ones proves to be tough, especially on special days like christmas. being on this little island for most of the day was exactly what i (and probably all of us) needed. there were no expectations, no traditions we HAD to honor, and no busy schedule to keep. it was the first year char and ted started their own traditions. it was charlie's first christmas that he truly understood it (well kind of) and the first time i got to spend the entire day with my husband.

all in all, it was a perfect day. even though i had occasional pangs of missing people and a few moments of feeling guilty because i didn't cook or do something i thought i was supposed to do, it all subsided. i am thinking that tradition is whatever you make it to be. and everyone had smiles on their faces. to me, that's what is the most important...

i hope everyone had a wonderful christmas as well...

getting into the spirit

2010-12-06T13:39:00.001-06:00

charlie loves all the ornaments we find all over town.

these christmas trees are scattered all over the phoenix (where the spa is). they're beautiful

charlie is telling me what he wants for christmas

at dinner at rojo with mom, dad, char, connie and ted (friends that own at the phoenix)

view of the phoenix at night... getting on the boat to head north for din din

my precious boy during one of our many pool days with tt and papa and auntie

i am loving how much this child is into the decorations this year

now that the holidays are here... i'm trying to shift into gear. this is the craziest time of year for us. not only is it the holidays, but also our busiest time for tourism. so, the spa will be fully booked and oliver is already fully booked from mid december to beginning of january. it's funny how it'll be our first taste of some solid business in a couple months and it just so happens to be thee busiest for the entire year. it's great. really. a little mad, but great. i LOVE being busy in my life. i function well. all my multi-tasking skills come out in all their glory.

one thing that will be difficult to juggle is the pull on the heart strings when i'm working a bunch. i miss my boy when i'm at work. although i need it and it is something i fully enjoy, any time spent away from my boy is hard. it's a good thing i love what i do. i am grateful every day for my "job" and that i have always done what i am truly passionate about... fabulous.

each year allows us to reach deeper into our own traditions. we have a little christmas tree that we put up. it's so cute and has meaningful ornaments we place ever so slightly apart. each of us talks about the meaning as we hang them. i'm having one made for charlie, too. so that when he's big enough, he can talk about it too. when i first started having christmas with my little family, i was at a loss. i didn't know what to celebrate, what traditions to carry on from my own family and what kinds of presents i would buy for the kids. we've enjoyed, each year, creating more and more of our own. we now have stuart family christmas stories. so much of what we do is what the tengler family christmas did (and still do, i'm sure). as we evolve, i smile, and realize how far we've come. our little charlie is helping us create more and more. looking so forward to christmas this year.

never too late to be thankful

2010-12-04T14:58:00.000-06:00

my parents and char came down for a visit over thanksgiving. they left yesterday. i am sad today, but grateful to be sad. at least i really love my family and they are a huge part of my life. it would be even more sad if i didn't care when or if i saw them. so, i am very happy about that. we had a wonderful time. pictures will come later. this one, though, is of my adorable boy saying farewell to his tt, papa and auntie. he waved "buh bye" to the plane as it flew away. he doesn't understand that they won't be coming back today, that it'll be awhile. but, perhaps there's a lesson in that. what is time anyway? shouldn't we just be as present as possible, like our little ones, and be happy with what is? i swear my child is always teaching me lessons. he allows things, events, people to come and go and rides the waves as gracefully as anyone i've seen. well, except for when that separation anxiety kicks in, which has been a new thing the past while. he's pretty attached to his parents at the moment. there is a part of me that thinks it's sweet and i feel honored to be the person who represents security in his life (along with his dad). but, the other part of me thinks it's a little heartwrenching. to hear the cries of my boy as i drive away to work is hard, to say the least. i know this will pass.

i guess we always have separation anxiety in some form. i felt like crying out loud yesterday as my family flew away. i kept it in though. i know that i will see them soon. i hold on to the fact that nothing is more important than family. each day that passes i realize this more and more. my little family here in belize is my life line... and that extends far away from here... all the way to salt lake city and all the places in between containing all my other family and friends. as cheesy as it sounds, it's true.

i say a silent prayer to those who are away from their families. we are all connected through space and time through our hearts...

lately

2010-11-13T11:55:00.002-06:00

playing the drums (pans)

another farewell

the boys wanting to have as good a picture as us girls

will miss you my friend... and what the hell is phil doing?

always discovering

best dog in the world

this is to prove that charlie is not always smiling... he is actually beginning to have true tantrums. kinda funny

getting ready for bed. don't forget the eye cover.

silly boy. he forgot his.

"look mom, i found where you hide the remotes!"

and your pink boa

all this playing about wears me out.

life is full. living with a busy toddler and busy teenagers is an adventure, to say the least. we are all having so much fun together. charlie is discovering new things every day. his brothers are so good to him and for him. charlie is one lucky boy.

they say that toddlers think the world revolves around them, well it definitely revolves around this one. he IS the center of our universe. and rightfully so. as life moves and changes, that revolution changes as well. so, why not soak it up while he can? our star KNOWS that we are revolving around him and he keeps the strings very tight. he keeps our interest very well. whenever the attention is not on him, something is done to change that... whether it's dancing, imitating, playing hide and seek, or just cuddling... he keeps our attention.

we've had a lot of fiestas and social events the last little while. new babies coming into the world, 40th birthday parties, more farewells... as the world changes around us, we try and remain intact within our family. navigating so that we don't spin out of control. oliver and i have had more time to nurture our relationship. it has been very nice. since charlie is moving more and more out of our bed and into his own (since weaning is finally official, tear), we're able to have conversations and just "be". i love it. we've also had some nights out... getting a babysitter for charlie.

as we adjust to all the changes around us, one thing remains constant... and that's the bond we have with each other and our family and friends... far and near.

tooting a horn

2010-11-03T12:08:00.003-06:00

charlie is figuring out how things work... and has been very successful

take this ball for example... it can turn into a frisbee

beautiful bed head

nope, i think we're good on the two front teeth... they're coming in quite well

i haven't really done an update of my charlie boy for awhile. so, humor me, while i toot my horn.

charlie continues to develop... amazingly. he now has six beautiful teeth, that he loves to show off. he is saying words and knows what they mean... for example... "dada" or "daddy". he's been saying those words for a long time, but now knows that when he says it, he's actually talking about his dad. he says "dog". it's more like the d and g together without the o, but it's cute nonetheless. it's thee cutest thing. he also says "heeeey", instead of "hi". perhaps it's because oliver and i do the same thing. vocally, he is really expressing himself... sometimes not so pleasantly, most of the time, adorable. he completely realizes that he can achieve things by using his voice. sweet.

and the walking is now running, full steam ahead. he started walking a week after his first birthday and seems to be an expert already. i love watching him. figuring out his surroundings, listening, observing and really using his body and mind in new ways. he "gets" things way more than he did even a month ago. i cannot believe how swiftly things shift in these little one's little lives. i stand amazed, every. single. day.

he also has a temper now. we receive small protests at times. he also gets very frustrated when he cannot solve a problem or a puzzle. i always have an internal laugh because it is simply fascinating. i try not to show him that i think it's funny because he is genuinely frustrated. i try and help him, ever so slightly, solve his problem. puzzles are his favorite thing. he loves the rings that go on the post, loves bags... putting things in them, pulling them out, and doing it all over again. he loves putting things inside other things and making them fit (ha ha, he is a boy).

one other thing, is that his sign language is fabulous now. we've been signing to him since he was born. only a few words, not like an entire vocab, but they're important words, like "milk", "food", "all gone", "sleepy", "more". and he has been doing them perfectly lately. so cool. communicating with this kid is wonderful. i would imagine that it is super annoying as a little one to not be able to get your point across when you would like something accomplished. but, he is figuring it out now. wonderful.

i've been spending a lot of one on one time with my little guy lately. it's slow season. of course it's tough when we go through slow season because the money isn't flowing as freely. my favorite thing though, is spending much needed, uninterrupted time, with my boy. once busy season hits, it'll be a little less. so, i'm soaking it all up now.

we miss our char and ted. another reason it's been just charlie and i. we're sending them lots of belize kisses while they begin their new adventures in texas.

one

2010-10-17T09:05:00.003-06:00

i wanted to put together my favorite photos of charlie during his first year of life. here they are. i hope this video works... it's the first time i've posted one.

enjoy.

a birthday week

2010-10-10T14:52:00.003-06:00

enjoying the sea with my boy

he loved it!

snacks

watching his auntie swim in the sea and thinking it's pretty cool

helping dad drive the boat

our lovely sunset

all smiles

charlie making himself comfortable on his doggy chair

char blowing bubbles for the birthday boy

his shirt says it all

sweet brothers

curious george birthday cake for my little monkey

charlie's new thing... climbing into everything he can fit into (and can't)

auntie giving instructions on how to blow his candle out

in the end, dada had to blow it out for him

and then he got to dive in, reluctantly

he even got to taste his own cake

this past week has been quite wonderful. i have had a lot of emotions about my baby boy turning one. mostly excitement. this really has been the best year of my life. that says a lot since i have fully enjoyed all of my years. charlie has taught me more about myself in this last year than i learned in any year of school or work or travel.

we started out the birthday week doing what we love... spending a few hours on the water. i'm not sure who ordered the weather this past week, but it has been absolutely perfect. normally this time of year is when we have the highest chances of getting storms (tropical storms and hurricanes). but... this year, not a chance. it is far too "cool" with a fresh breeze coming from the north, rather than the east. the temperature has been in the upper 70's or lower 80's and the humidity is low for belize. perfect. so, that meant that we were able to get outside a lot. our trip out on the boat was exactly what we needed. we simply anchored and swam and floated in the beautiful caribbean. charlie got to get in with char and i, floating around in his birthday suit. he loves loves loves the water. any water, whether it's his bathtub, the pool, or the sea, he giggles with delight the whole time he's submerged. perhaps he knows how cleansing it is. or perhaps it's because he was born in water. whatever the reason, it makes me happy. it's also a requirement if you're going to be related to oliver stuart. he is a fish after all.

then came the birthday celebration. we chose to keep it small and just family. i didn't want it to be overwhelming for anyone, especially charlie. so we got to hang out at char and ted's. sylvia cooked a lovely dinner, as always, and we had cake. char also got some bubbles for charlie. he was fascinated by them. it was sweet.

now we begin charlie's second year of life. he is progressing perfectly... a happy and healthy boy. he has forever changed my life.... and anyone who has the pleasure to meet him. i see everything differently. some things have lost meaning and others have gained it. i really can't imagine what my life would consist of without charlie in it. i'm sure i would continue to grow and be happy... but now, life is full.

happy first birthday my sweet boy.

you are loved beyond words.

quince

2010-10-01T08:14:00.000-06:00

my fabulous step-sons turned 15 yesterday. i have been in their lives for the last ten years. it is absolutely amazing to me that they are already 15. it's a big deal. especially when there are two! they are full fledged teenagers... growing, changing, thinking they know everything, that we know nothing... teenagers. even though they are in the thick of it, they are still the sweet boys i've always known. sounds cheesy, i know, but it's true. they will still stop and give a hug to any adult they love or melt when they see thier little brother, especially if no one from school is around :)! we had a lovely night out at blue water grill. oliver will be taking the boys and a few of their friends fishing this weekend... their request for their party. like father like son (s).

approaching 12 moons

2010-09-19T09:59:00.002-06:00

the day after we got back from utah... charlie was reuniting with his brothers and busy turning 11 months old

my tiny dancer

i'm not sure about that

fun photos of my cute boy

introspective

happy

fun with the camera

flirting with grama sylvia

pondering life and wanting to go outside

who dressed me today? yup, dada

and i love to pull the outlet covers out...

peek-a-boo

we're getting settled back in to our life in san pedro; swimming each day during the hottest time of year, taking diego to the beach to allow him to exert his energy swimming in the sea and fetching his coconut, enjoying time with my big kids and wonderful husband and watching this boy grow.

he is very close to walking and a mad mad crawler. he even has chafed knees and big toes. a few times he has taken some steps, but not technically walking yet. and i am not rushing it. i chose not to buy him a walker or anything like that, allowing him to do things on his own. it's so amazing to watch his process and how he figures out things. he is so determined and smart. if i don't say so myself. he even said "mama" yesterday! it took so long for him to be able to make the "mmmm" sound. i had read that it was going to be the case and that "dada" would be one of the first. and sure enough the boy has been saying that for months! so i've been anxiously awaiting the "mmmm" sound to come out of his precious little mouth. and now he won't stop! he sees how happy it makes me and continues doing it. good boy!

and then comes the weaning. i've been so lucky to have milk for my son. i so enjoy our time together when i am feeding him. it is a bond that i cannot explain. my heart swells when i think about nursing and how fortunate i am that i was able to nourish my boy... he has nourished me in return, tenfold. i always said that i wanted to nurse for a year. well, we are approaching that time quickly and i have begun to wean a little bit each day. charlie is taking to it way easier than i am. i know it's what i want and that it'll be good for him and i, but i know i will miss it tremendously. so, i'll gradually allow the process to happen. the only thing he is not taking to very well is that he hates formula. i've tried the soy and the regular and no luck. i disguise it in his food just to make sure he's getting enough. he just loves his mama's milk too much. i know that my milk is decreasing naturally, so supplementing is good anyway. he is just a silly boy. he may just go straight into drinking milk, probably soy. we'll see. i am so grateful that i have this time with my sweet boy. i will look back on it with pure amazement, this i know.

any advice or tips about weaning is welcome.

as charlie's first birthday approaches, i am going to wring out the time i have left within his first 12 months. i love you sweet boy!

the importance of family in my life

2010-09-16T20:03:00.005-06:00

grandma tengler at 90

tt and charlie enjoying each other's company

grandma crane with some of the tenglers

papa with ckyler, charlie and i

the four

charlie with his mom aunt and uncle

three very cute boys

the other four

a lot of love here

a fun, fun night with aly bear, her kids and my fam

an aunt and her nephew

my boys

since we've returned from utah, i have been thinking a lot about my family and my network. i realize how, over the years i've sifted through the people in my life and held onto the ones who really add light to it. having a child allows me to use my time more efficiently and within that surround myself with positive, happy people. whether these people are in my life every day or every once in while doesn't really matter. what matters to me is the quality of each relationship. what matters to me is realness. i feel so very fortunate every, single day for the many blessings in my life. whenever i am feeling down or overwhelmed, i think about all of my loved ones and smile.

6 weeks in a nutshell

2010-09-08T21:07:00.003-06:00

this picture pretty much sums up my and charlie's trip to utah. i would upload a bunch more, but my internet speed isn't fast enough (i guess i got used to the faster speed at my parents' house) and i already uploaded most of them onto facebook.

it's difficult to convey how intense and important this last trip was. so many fun/sad/emotional/beautiful things happened. mainly, charlie got to just be with his loved ones. it was amazing to me to watch his interaction with all the people i love. overwhelming as well. especially watching him with his two great grandmothers. grandma crane is still fighting cancer. she is so strong and such an inspiration to all of us. she had fallen when we had first gotten there and had to be in an assisted type living space where nurses monitored her a lot. because of her brain cancer, her balance is really affected, hence the fall. soooo, she was a little down in the dumps when we first arrived. slowly, as each day went by, she gained more and more strength. i could see her will kicking in a little more each moment i saw her. i feel like my little charlie had something to do with it. he is inspiring as well and motivates people to be their best version of themselves (including me). grandma crane (also know as gg to her great grandsons and now everyone else) was walking and talking and smiling and engaging in conversation the day we left. i am in awe of her ability to fight this stupid bitch called cancer. i am grateful for every moment i get to spend with her.

and then there was one of our other visitors, grandma tengler. my dad flew her out to slc to celebrate her 90th birthday. she came by herself and boy was she in love with her charlie. one of the biggest reasons i think is that he is named after her husband and son. so special. she kept wanting to call him chuckie, which was fine, but i wasn't going to let it stick with me. too many visions of a freaky doll killing things running through my mind. but grandma tengler is 90! you would never know it. not that i know how most 90 year olds act, but this woman is a spit fire. she kicked everyone's butt bowling and schooled me on how to plant flowers properly. i asked her to help me one day, rather guide me. instead she swiped the shovel out of my hand and dug all the holes herself, got down on her knees and planted the things herself. i kind of learned what i needed to, but had to help my gaping jaw close. she's an inspiration as well.

chris and jayme couldn't allow us all to celebrate gran t's bday on our own. they crashed our party at the spaghetti factory all the way from arkansas. it was so wonderful to have them surprise us. and so sneaky. they really made my trip complete. charlie got to meet his fabulous uncle and aunt and cute, cute cousins, whom he adored. all in all, we had an incredible time with all of our loved ones.

i realized, more than ever, how much i love utah and all the people in it. i always know how connected i am to that place, the people, the mountains. but i think charlie allows me to feel it ten fold. he is my family. he makes me realize how hard it must be for my parents, for us to be away from them and everyone else. i appreciate the full support i have always had from my family to live my dream in belize with my wonderful husband, kids, and family and LIFE. it is always there, no question. i love this place i live in. i love the life i've created for myself and my family. but i never, ever lose that feeling of longing for the other piece to my soul, in the mountains.

so as i sit here, in my little island life, listening to my baby and dog sleep... i am grateful to have this life and to miss and be missed by such beautiful people.

off to high school

2010-07-18T09:55:00.002-06:00

jomar

jords

handsome boys

off they go now...

i cannot believe jordan and jomar are graduated from primary school. because of tropical storm alex, their ceremony was postponed until the 3rd of july. it was so wonderful to watch them celebrate with their classmates... kids that have been with them for 10 years. they are a family now and will rely on each other when they get to high school. it's sweet. the school they attended for all those years was really good at creating lasting relationships among the students and the teachers. small classes allowed for that to happen more easily as well.

it seems like just yesterday they were asking me how to tell time, how to get to school from home and back. they know the answers to these questions now and are currently asking the bigger, deeper questions like "who am i and what do i want to be?" i love watching them grow into young men. they really are incredible kids, oops, sorry, young men.

i have been with them for over nine years now and i can't even imagine my life without them in it. they have and continue to add such light to my life. sure, they've also been part of my more challenging days... but that's part of the deal. the good and the bad. i'm a better person because of it, we're all better. and even though i may not remind them all the time how proud i am of them, i am. they are two of the most respectful, wonderful boys i've ever met. their little brother feels the same. and i know their dad does too.

congratulations beautiful boys!

i love you.

birthday eve

2010-07-11T21:20:00.000-06:00

whenever a birthday comes along, i like to try and spend the day as an "ideal" day. a day that i do all my favorite things. this year, i am going to, drink coffee, perhaps do a little yoga, eat some good food, enjoy the company of my family that's near and relax. i want as many kisses as i can get, from my baby boy... actually all my boys. i want to listen to my favorite music. i want to write down my wishes for the year... my desires, my goals. and i want to just be. i feel like a lot of my days are birthday days. i try really hard to live each day with intent. but, inevitably, life happens. it happens fast. at times i blink and a whole week has passed, even a month. ever since charlie was conceived, i've gotten a little better at being more present. more in my body and mind. i have to consciously work on this since i'm such a future thinker. i am a planner. i like to have things mapped out, even if it's in my head. oliver has been good for me too, on this subject. he is a spontaneous being... which was one of the things that drew me to him... and one of the things that drives me crazy sometimes. ironic, i know, but the duality of relationships. the more i'm with him, the more i realize i need this spontaneity, this nonattachment to plans. besides oliver being a good example to me for being more present, charlie has been the same. i want so badly to absorb every, single moment with him. i want to have each smile, maybe not each cry, but each wonderful moment, sketched in my mind. everyone that has kids older than charlie tells me to appreciate him since it goes so fast. i take this advice to heart.
as this 36th birthday approaches, i'll try and plan to not plan. to allow things to come as they may. to appreciate every moment for what it is. here's to another year. cheers!

busy

2010-07-02T14:27:00.006-06:00

doing his 100th squat for the day. this kid has buns of steel.
this seems to be my view most of the time now. charlie is loving pulling himself up on everything and anything these days. he is so strong and determined.
up and down, up and down, all day long.
he's also waving, hello and goodbye. i think mostly he does it when he wants something or someone.
hello there sweet boy. his hair is going blondish already.
the boys in stripes. jomar is such a help with his baby brother and charlie thinks that's great.
this is when tashi had just received her honor roll ribbon. her teacher had just put it around her neck. we are all so proud of this young lady.
all the graduates let their balloons go... symbolizing their journey ahead.

one of my favorite pictures... father's day. dad with his boys.
charlie is definitely gaining a bigger and bigger personality, for better or worse!
go get 'em tiger.

busy pretty much sums up life lately. charlie is busy growing, moving, smiling, rebelling, eating, growing teeth (i think... we still haven't seen proof, but he acts like he's teething some days) and crawling. he is now an expert. he can get from one place to the next in about a second. so we have to keep a close eye on this quick kid.

oliver has been busy with work and projects, me with work and home and the kids have been busy changing.

tashi graduated from high school this last month. it's amazing to me that oliver has a daughter that just graduated from high school. how is that possible? we are all so proud of her. she is so focused and beautiful. so grown-up and centered. it's pretty remarkable. she's getting geared up for college in the fall. she'll be going to st. john's on the mainland of belize for her first couple of years. we're hoping we'll get her into a college in the states by then. she wants to go explore more... i'm trying to support that as much as i can. she wants to be in utah... because one day, we'll be there too.

the boys also just graduated over the weekend, but i'll do a separate post for that one since it's quite significant for me and them and our relationships.

life seems to be moving full steam ahead right now. i can't seem to keep it all straight. one kid is coming, another going, charlie's doing both! oliver is in and out and we barely say a few words to each other. i am not complaining, busy is great! i simply have to remember to stop, and look at my baby boy. that is what keeps me grounded these days. it's not my yoga practice, although i would fall to pieces if i didn't do that. it's not my wonderful cup of morning coffee that holds me together, nope, it's my baby boy. one look at him, one smell of his hair, one giggle from his sweet voice, one glance of his ribs moving up and down while he's sleeping... and i'm home. he is my gauge, my compass. i feel whole with him in my life and i in his. i am blessed.

we head to utah in a couple weeks. i am thrilled to get up there. i LOVE summertime in the mountains. i will miss belize and my big boys and my cute husband. but, charlie needs to be in salt lake. he needs to be with his tt and papa and all of his other loved ones. hopefully oliver will be able to swing a short trip up to see everyone too! fingers crossed!

taking nothing for granted

2010-05-23T13:55:00.004-06:00

some weeks, days, are harder than others. charlie had an eye infection this last week. he seemed completely fine the whole time, but i've realized that when he is going through something, his parents go through it too. we start blaming each other, taking it out on each other, panicking. all of these things uncommon for oli and i. it's so strange and ridiculous how it brings out the darkest parts of our personalities. forcing me (us) to realize how much we mirror each other, for better or worse.

now that his eyes are clearing up... oli and i are able to see more clearly. hmmmm. we have learned a lot this week, and will continue to do so, no doubt. i'm so glad charlie is looking better. he never seemed to be too bothered, except for in the middle of the night when his eyes would stick together because of goopy-ness. i know that an eye infection is no big deal. i am so grateful that he has been a healthy boy. i take none of it for granted. i see so many mamas and papas going through much, much worse and i squeeze my boy everyday (quite a few times) reminding myself how very lucky we are.

besides an eye infection... i've been thinking a lot about my brave grandma crane. she is going through radiation at the moment for a brain tumor. she is so strong and positive. i know that some days are down and some up, but she is amazing. i so wish i was in utah to help and offer support, but i am from afar.

i visit www.goop.com often. it's gwenyth paltrow's website where she offers all kinds of fun suggestions... including books. there is one that made me think of all the people helping my grandma, especially my mom and dad.

the book is by, marcy silverman and it's called "Do Good: 201 Ways to Lend a Hand"

so mom, dad, i'm thinking about you and sending you strength to pass on to grandma. i love you guys.

reminders

2010-05-17T10:10:00.005-06:00

loving the sea and watching his dog jump in after the coconut

after a day in the sun, everyone is pooped.

we spent our sunday morning in... charlie, oliver, diego and i. jordan was at his cousin's and jomar at his grandma's. so, there was no rush out of bed to feed our growing teenagers. i usually do a special breakfast on sunday mornings for the boys... french toast, banana pancakes; something sweet, since during the week it's eggs, oats, wheat toast... food for thought. i like to have the boys' brains and bellies filled with good, hearty food for their school day. they really look forward to sunday mornings. needless to say, nothing sweet was on the table this sunday morning.

we laid in bed cuddling our growing boy. he is the sweetest thing. i love this stage. he loves to clap and cheer himself (and us) on. he loves to cuddle. i'll be holding this sweet smelling child, and he'll be alert and watching the world go by one second, and laying his head on my shoulder, completely collapsing in my arms, another. i love it! he has such a way about him. he's so clever and aware of his surroundings. he has a way of making each person in his life feel special. he looks deep into your eyes with such validation and admiration. i'm crazy about him. as is his dad. oliver loves to literally inhale charlie... and charlie gets the biggest kick out of it. he gives off the cutest giggle whenever his dad sniffs him. perhaps oliver's whiskers tickle charlie. you can tell when oliver gets too carried away though... a little protesting grunt will come from charlie when he's had enough.

after our lazy morning, we got up and got ready for the beach and fundraiser for the south island neighborhood watch. oliver's mom, sylvia, bbq'd some chicken, made some yummy coleslaw and black beans and rice to sell. we were lucky enough to get a sneak peak of the food before it headed to the beach to sell out. hanging out on the dock with my boys is one of my favorite things. as i threw the coconut for diego into the sea, rocked my baby boy in his stroller, and talked to my husband whilst drinking a refreshing beer... i realized (once again) how lucky i am to live such a simple life. i am able to complicate it as much as i would like from day to day, but all in all, life is good. i get frustrated with the politics of this small, immature country, with the high high taxes, the duties we all have to pay, the lack of natural products (if i had a whole foods, oh my goodness), but really, it is allllll good.

we're so lucky to have local produce to eat consisting of the freshest tropical fruit, hydroponic lettuces, hearty carrots, sweet potatoes and other root veggies, every kind of bean, rice, and fish my husband brings home almost every day. and although i miss my berries and the convenience of getting whatever i want, whenever i want it, there is something to be said about eating locally and within the climate and season. the more i live, the more i appreciate this idea. that's not to say i don't love going to wine de vine to shop for my imported cheeses and wines... i LOVE that as well. but i appreciate and support my local community as much as i can. we have a built-in farmers' market right here on our island, right here in our little country. it continues to flourish and grow.

so when i get frustrated and tired of living on a little island in the caribbean (for some reason i don't get very much sympathy for that), i remind myself of these things. i remind myself that i live a good life. i remind myself that my son is from this country and it is going to be a part of him, forever. and that makes me happy. he is a lucky, lucky boy. so is his mama.

celebration

2010-05-09T09:33:00.009-06:00

what a face to wake up to.
mother's day flowers from my hubby (and his wonderful mom)

charlie being funny in his pack n' play.
i was laughing so hard.
beach time with my boy.

getting more acquainted.

attempting to crawl, which is more like a creep.

my baby sis and i on her birthday.
who's your mommy?
although it may look like it, it's not her. she's your aaaauuunnnttttiiieeee
my boys...

we celebrated char's 29th birthday last weekend. it was great. family, food and fun. besides hanging out with the girls one night and ted, oliver and i another... char's birthday request was to spend time with charlie. so, that's what happened. charlie loves his auntie so much and it's very apparent that the feeling is mutual. i love how close they are. it's special and touching to watch. happy birthday to my sis.

another reason to celebrate is that charlie is trying very hard to crawl. it's sweet to see. he loves to get up on his knees, rock back and forth and then thrust his body forward, ending in a face plant. not hard enough to hurt himself (most of the time), but still allows him to get to where he wants to go. the result, a continual need to watch him. he is able to get into anything within a couple seconds. childproofing has begun. i had no idea how un-childproof our house is... but it is. so the project: childproofing is underway.

and lastly, it's mother's day today. so many reasons to celebrate this very day. first of all, my mom. i am eternally grateful for her. each day of being a mom allows me to appreciate mine even more. amazing how much i think about this relationship and how charlie has deepened my bond and view with/of my mom. there is this knowing and comfort that follows me through each day, reminding me that i'm loved and supported by the person that brought me into this world. of course i feel this connection with a few special people in my life, but mostly my mom. and now, i'm so lucky to be one as well. being a step mom has been, and continues to be, a gift in my life. i have been able to love without expectation... good training for my life as a mother to charlie. he makes me so proud, so fulfilled.

i want to be a better person, every single day. i want to make HIM proud. i want to do everything with intent and meaning. if it's not meaningful... i don't want to do it. which makes me remember something i wrote down the other day, really an epiphany... i am so grateful i do something i love, as far as work goes. because if i didn't, what would be the point? any time i spend away from my boy better be something i love and better be meaningful or else it's just not worth doing. and... why did i have to have a baby to realize that? perhaps i always knew this or didn't really think about it because i have always enjoyed what i do. i've had that shown to me my whole life through my parents... especially my dad. he fully enjoys his work. so hopefully all us moms (and dads) find something fulfilling to do... besides being parents. because our kids are watching and we want them to do what they love, right?

which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes... "you must be the change you wish to see in the world." - gandhi

as i sit here, on my "first" mother's day, staring down at my sleeping baby beside me... my heart fills up, once again, for the love and appreciation i have for my child and step children and four-legged children... and to my mom.

happy mother's day to all!

hanging around

2010-04-11T19:42:00.005-06:00

charlie and i formed an even stronger bond during our adventures in utah. i realized more and more how incredible he is. he is such a trooper on the plane. he entertained many people on our way back to belize. i was able to have conversations with people i probably never would have had i not had charlie with me. he brings out the best in me... and everyone around. i love it.

since we returned from our trip, we've been playing with all the new things we acquired while in the land of consumerism. tt and papa got him loads of fun treats... doting grandparents that they are. one of charlie's new gadgets is the johnny jump up. i was going to get one of those bouncy things that have all those toys attached for babies to play with, but it was just too big to bring back. i had a new stroller, all kinds of clothes, childproofing stuff, spa stuff, MY stuff so i was packed to the gills. anywho, the johnny jump up is so awesome and charlie LOVES it. he feels like a big boy in it. i had to play around with it a bit to figure out where it should be and i finally got it. he now hangs in it with just his toes touching... allowing him to turn just enough to feel his legs and feel in control without hurting his ankles. i have it hanging in our bedroom, next to the window that looks out at a bush that attracts hummingbirds and egrets (egrets are beautiful, white birds that are so graceful and quite big). charlie loves to look out the window and see what is happening in the outside world.

besides "hanging around", we've been getting in the pool at the phoenix most days. easter weekend was very, very busy around these parts, so escaping to the pool after crazy days, was perfect. charlie is a water boy. he loves it so much... whether it's in the pool, the sea or the bath, being surrounded by water brings out all smiles and laughter. while we were in the pool today, his laughs were reverberating off the concrete walls and people were walking past smiling back at his contagious happiness. besides being surrounded by water a lot of the time, this boy is surrounded with love... from everyone who comes in contact with him... especially his family. i can be stressed or concerned about not producing enough milk or thinking about work or whatever, but when those big, big, deep brown eyes look at me and smile... nothing else matters.

lots of firsts for mr. charlie

2010-03-15T07:37:00.007-06:00

so these photos are a little out of order, still haven't figured that out with blogging. but, i'll explain
this is a jealous tucker, although he has been amazing with charlie.

this morning... charlie hanging out with papa while i make coffee.

TT bought some cute outfits for charlie... this is one of them.

TT and i before our massages yesterday.

we got a wonderful winter storm on saturday night... this is what it looked like last night (sunday). still on the ground, but not the roads, perfect.

eating at my very favorite restaurant.... em's (i had wild mushroom soup, a potato, goat cheese tart with a tapanade topping, seared ahi and a wonderful glass of pinot noir). i realized quickly that charlie probably shouldn't hold a fork... abbie was thinking the same thing!

baby boy all bundled up to weather the cold.

fordie lovin' on charlie. he has lots of pretty women around him... especially this one!

not much to be said about this one

TT explaining to tucker that she still loves him even though she is holding charlie so much.sebastian, one of the most beautiful cats in the world. and he knows it.

playing with toys and rolling around

the view out my window the first morning i woke up... it changed quickly with the storm that came through.

hanging out in atlanta airport... waiting for our flight.

jomar entertaining his brother. since charlie had a cold, taking him out to the beach was what made him happy. diego looks pretty happy in the background, as well.mama and charlie

the nasty bite.

we've had a lot of firsts the last couple weeks... most of them not so fun. the end result was all worth it, coming to utah to visit. let me begin...

first, charlie got bit by a bug in the crook of his elbow. since it was a precarious spot, it got infected and abcsessed. it was so sad. we had to put charlie on his first antibiotics, which i hate. but, they did their job.

then, i didn't realize one morning that the monitor had been turned off in the front of the house. it NEVER gets turned off so i was relying highly on it being on. i was wrong. charlie, up to that point, had been sleeping in our bed with us, and still does, just not when we aren't in it. since i didn't hear him wake up... he managed to wiggle all the way to the edge of the bed and fall off. it was horrible and on my watch. for a mom to walk into the room to not see her baby, is the worst feeling i have ever felt, thus far. he had fallen and was laying on his belly next to the bed. my heart sank. he was whimpering so i knew he was breathing. i picked him up (which in hind sight probably wasn't the best thing). and hugged him tight. i called and canceled my day at the spa and held him the whole day. i'm not kidding. he stayed in my arms unless i had to relieve my bladder. sylvia was so sweet and came over to cook lunch and just to make sure i wasn't berating myself too much. char took my appointments. so wonderful and thoughtful. oliver, well, it was the very first time i had ever heard panic in his voice. which did not help but made me realize how incredibly connected he is to his child. amazing. charlie didn't even have a bump. needless to say, he no longer sleeps on the bed without us in it. mama learned her lesson.

another first is that charlie got his first cold. all of these things happened within a couple weeks. i can handle a cold, i think, but it wasn't great for him to have it while we were traveling to the states.

which was another first and a wonderful end result to a yucky couple weeks. we got to travel to utah for the first time since mr. charlie was born. he was such a trooper on the plane and during our travel day, despite his cold. he was so stuffed and had a little cough which likely made him uncomfortable most of the time. i simply tried making him as comfortable as possible. he slept most of the time during the flights and was wide-eyed in the airports, looking at everything, seeming to soak it all in.

when we got to the airport in salt lake, count it two parents (grandparents) were there, not one. yes, my mom had come out to the airport to pick us up. that has never happened in all the nine years i've been living in belize and traveling back and forth. maybe once or twice in the beginning, but i don't recall. i guess it takes having a child for TT to come to the airport. the reason for this is we usually get in around 11 pm or 12 am... mom has to work early. well, she didn't care and matched her grandson's wide eyes when we arrived. it was a sweet reunion. you could see in charlie's eyes that he knew these two people staring at him. that they were there from the very beginning. THE very beginning. for him and i!

besides being in utah and enjoying TT and papa. charlie and i have been able to see aly bear and abigail, fordie a few times and of course chad and abbie. it's been such a joy introducing the light of my life to everyone important to me.

always bitter sweet because i wish that oliver and char were with us. i KNOW that charlie misses them. i'm sure he's missing all his family there... his brothers, grama, etc. he's having a great time and experiencing all brand new things, as am i, but i know there is a missing. with me too.

it's so wonderful knowing how loved this little boy is. he has a world of love available to him wherever he goes. i am sure he feels it. he gives it right back through his beautiful smiles and laughs.
something charlie said the first day we got to salt lake is "dada". it was more like "da da da da". but dada nonetheless. he officially said it before he said mama. i think he was trying to summon his dad. so sweet. he's been experimenting with all kinds of sounds... as always, but they continue to evolve. i love it!

more to come soon... as we continue on in winter wonderland.

tree of life

2010-02-25T21:04:00.003-06:00

warning: this post talks about bodily goings-on... so if you don't want to read about it... just look at the pics and move on.

when charlie was born... we saved the placenta to bury later. well, later finally came. we buried charlie's "tree of life" a few nights ago. it is amazing to think that it was his home and source of, well, everything, while he grew inside my body. the whole process of carrying a baby is still the most incredible experience that exists (to me, at least). the ultimate creation. the way we are allowed to see ourselves through the eyes of another. my goodness, so overwhelming.

on the day of charlie's birth, i learned more about my body than i had in all 35 of my years. i realized how much pain i could handle, since i chose to take NOTHING for pain. i saw how my belly could be gigantic and then, not, within a few minutes. i realized how i express myself when in pain... which was very internal and focused rather than vocal and crazy (i really had no idea how it was all going to pan out). i also learned that not only do you deliver a baby, but the "afterbirth" as well. part of the afterbirth is the placenta... what carries your baby and is attached to you and the baby the entire time. the placenta connects mama and baby. after i delivered the placenta in a, by then, dry tub... gail, my midwife, essentially dissected my (or rather, charlie's) placenta, showing me what was what and explaining it all. i was in awe. even though i was exhausted and anxious to get out of the tub, cleaned up and back to my baby (who was only out of my arms for a few minutes and in his daddy's)... i listened intently to what i was hearing for the first time. i love the placenta. it was a living organism that allowed my baby boy to come into this world thriving and happy. it's no wonder it is called the tree of life because that is exactly what it is.

so, charlie's tree of life is now planted at the entrance to our yard. i like to think of it as guarding our family and abode. my sweet boy... so gratefully had a wonderful beginning.

we all celebrated that night... telling charlie how much we love that he is a part of our lives.

reflection

2010-02-19T21:42:00.003-06:00

i have so many things for which i am grateful. i have a man who loves me, no matter what. i have a beautiful baby boy, healthy, thriving and happy. i have twin step sons whom i love so much and i have a feeling... the love is mutual. their sister may not spend too much time with us, but we all have a deep appreciation for an incredible girl who's life is just beginning. and my family, my family... the best on earth. every single one of them, so supportive and loving without words. and of course my animals... sweet diego and our 4 cats... sunny, moonie, star and sky all my sweet peas that guard the house from other kitties trying to adopt us.

not that i have to have a reason for being grateful... but ever since i have had the pleasure of becoming a mama... my heart feels bigger. it's more appreciative and present. i feel so open and vulnerable. i can cry over anything, which isn't much of a change, but it seems to be more often now. charlie has sprung a leak in his mom.

and i don't even care.

i love reading. whether it's my current book, shantaram, friends' blogs, different status lines on facebook or what have you. i love reading it all. all of it puts things into perspective. i love reading about the human experience. each person presents their experiences in such different ways, all of which are relevant and valid.

this book, shantaram, is about a man who escapes from a prison in australia and flees to india... falling in love with its people and culture. the author literally palpates the very depth of india's soul. it's incredible. i am only a third of the way through and in love with it. it makes me remember how much i want to go to india. and then that takes me to italy, another place i want to visit. oliver and i talk about it all the time, knowing that we'll be heading there to visit our dear friends whom live here and there. and then, i come right back to where i'm sitting right here right now... with charlie sleeping at my side and his dad at his side. i realize these places will be there when i'm ready to get on with the traveling in my life.

for now, i'm happy. i'm completely fulfilled and i'm here. with my boys. all of whom i adore and want to make happy. all of whom are asleep.

we all made a pact tonight. that we're going to sit down to dinner, every night... no tv, no nothing, except for us, food and conversation. i look forward to it. life flies past us and we barely take the time to breath. at least we know we'll be eating... together... learning about each other all over again.

night night.

first time in the caribbean...

2010-01-31T10:36:00.005-06:00

rinsing the salt off of our swim suits
these are out of order, but this was after charlie had been introduced to the water and was feeling more comfortable. he was kicking around so much.
water logged boy
yeah! my water boy.
i cannot believe how long this guy is... already.
gettin' ready

heading out with diego following, making sure we were doing it correctly. we had another little friend trying to join the party. she has a crush on diego.

yesterday was charlie's first dip in the sea. we had so much fun. the water has been quite "cold" compared to most days and i didn't want charlie to get shocked by the temperature. so, when the day decided to be nice and warm, i thought it would be perfect to take our little boy for one of his firsts, undoubtedly his first of many. charlie's dad is a fish and his brothers love to swim. and... since he did come into the world swimming, it was only assumed that he would love the sea as well.

my suspicions were correct. he loved it! i took him in slowly, introducing his feet first, then his chubby, little legs, belly and chest and finally his head. i didn't put him under all the way, only dripping water on his head and letting it run down. i splashed around a bit for him and lots of laughter could be heard from the beach. he thought his mama was pretty funny. it's no wonder we love having kids... they think we're the best thing since sliced bread. he is the best audience.

diego swam around with us too. only his most favorite thing to do. my cute puppy just had his fourth birthday. i cannot believe we have had him for four years. the time has flown by and he makes us so happy every, single day. i love him. happy birthday to our sweet big boy.

jomar and oliver observed from the beach... jomar throwing the coconut for diego and oliver preserving the moment by taking pictures.

it was a lovely day. today, if the weather holds up... we'll get in the pool at the phoenix.

time well spent

2010-01-28T20:28:00.003-06:00

mama's finding her balance. i'm figuring out when charlie likes to take naps and scheduling myself at the spa. i so love my "work". i love bodywork, sol spa, being around people who are interested in feeling better, in yoga and teaching it. i enjoy it all so much. it fulfills me and makes me feel like i'm making lives a little bit better. that's a wonderful thing.

my very favorite thing these days... spending time watching charlie grow and develop before my eyes. i can literally spend an hour with him in my arms, allowing him to touch my face, laugh out loud, and just look at me... while i look at him. my goodness. he's so beautiful. he has such a knowing look in his eyes. my baby boy.

his milestones lately...

rolling all the way over

figuring out his hands and touching and grabbing everything within reach, with his hands open

laughing the most pleasant laugh

using all kinds of vowels and consonants and drawing them out (aaaaaeeeeee, ooooohhhh)

recognizing that i (we) love him and showing his love too by touching my face and trying to bring himself closer, smiling with me and just looking into my eyes like he's reaching to my heart.

i'm not kidding. the child looks into me. amazing.

and i'm not the only one smitten... his dad spends a lot of time with him lately too. oli hasn't had a trip for a couple days this week and so that's when i go to work. it allows two of my favorite boys to hang out together. i called today while at lunch with char and asked how things were going. oliver said, "charlie and i are conversing". i'm glad he's already showing our little boy the ropes, explaining life. oliver speaks english, creole and spanish to our little sponge. hopefully one day he speaks all three as well as his dad.

my little island boy.

i'm so grateful he already has so many people in love with him, ready to do anything possible to make his life better. his tia char and tio ted are so good to him too. lots of arms to hold him...

what a lucky boy.

open eyes

2010-01-17T12:30:00.003-06:00

learning new things every day... today, it's licking and feeling things with his tongue. smart boy.
charlie loves his monkey felipe
even though he doesn't know that it's him in the mirror, he's sure interested in the baby he sees.
big big boy. 26 inches long and over 16 lbs. at 3 months one week old.
oliver and charlie are very infatuated with each other.... it's priceless.

all the time, i have thoughts and feelings that i wish i'd write down and i don't. perhaps it's because i'm trying harder to be more present. i am enjoying being a mama to charlie so much that i don't want to stop and do anything for too long. and when i begin writing, it takes me awhile. (right now charlie is hanging out with his dad, they're watching basketball, oh boy). i do enjoy my quiet time for sure. i'm also watching "what happens in vegas". oh sundays. i love to watch smut and romantic comedies on this day. hilarious movie. so, i guess "quiet" isn't really the proper explanation. it's "me" time.

the last few months have been the best three months of my life. and that's tough, because for the most part, i've had a pretty damn good life. charlie makes me so happy. he is a happy boy and growing so quickly. it's a little scary because i don't want it to go this fast! they do say that time flies when you're having fun. well, whoever "they" are, they were right. i'm keeping my eyes open and taking it all in. each smile, each cry, each touch, each dirty diaper, each moment i get to spend breastfeeding my beautiful baby boy... all of it... i'm keeping my eyes open. sometimes i'd love to have them closed since i wake in the middle of the night. but, it's all worth it. i'm glad my baby is a healthy eater.

so today, we continue our journey through this uncharted life together... all of us. and as i sit in the comfort of my home, with my beautiful family, thinking of all my family and friends who are safe and sound... i think about the people suffering in haiti. my heart hurts for those who are losing loved ones, in front of their eyes. i hold mine close and thank god i am so fortunate to have them near and safe.

life is a precious thing that can be over in a second. i will continue to be present and live life with my eyes open.

as for you... hold yours close... we never know how much time we have here on earth.

with an open and heavy heart

2009-12-12T09:50:00.002-06:00

today carries a sadness to it. it's the day grandpa vern is being laid to rest. i am missing being there with all my heart.

he's being buried in salina, where he and grandma lived for many, many years and where he had his farms. he reminds me of these horses... free and happy in the wide open spaces. you could never tame his wild spirit. i imagine he's in a place like this now... with no pain.

this is the letter i wrote to have read by my mom, at his funeral today:

grandpa vern was never unhappy. he always had a smile on his face, a story to tell, an animal noise to make, and a hug to give. as i sit and think about the man i was lucky to know, tears of joy come to my eyes. some of my favorite memories include...

grandpa's cowboy boots and how they were the perfect place for a little girl, like myself, to stand as he taught you to dance... holding your hands tight as you swayed back and forth. he never denied a girl a dance.

the farm was the funnest place for a child to go, especially because we were from the "big city" up north. grandpa loved piling all us kids into his big gray truck, that smelled like gasoline and dirt, and taking us to the farm to feed the cows. i can smell the hay, the cows, the dirt, hear the moos and grandpa's cowboy boots as they shuffled through the hard earth beneath him. it was probably a relief to all the adults left behind at the house to have a break from the kids, but grandpa probably liked being around us better than the adults! he would happily take all of us, without even blinking an eye.

grandpa's dutch oven chicken and all the memories around it. it was usually easter holiday that we would be so lucky to eat this meal. grandma would make her scones and grandpa his chicken and of course all the fixin's. we would go to a beautiful camp site, usually fish lake campground on the other side of the mountain from the lake. it was all nestled into the mountain, a little creek with watercress growing all around it flowed through and there was plenty of open land for all us kids to explore. grandpa was always working hard to provide a tasty meal for his family. and then it came to prayer time to bless the food. the kids liked to sneak a peak at grandpa's head as he took his cowboy hat off to say the prayer... the only time we got to see the top of his shiny head.

grandpa's brown gloves as we called them. since he was always outside in his long-sleeved pearl button shirt, wranglers and cowboy hat... the only part of his body that ever got sun was his hands. they were dark brown from the sun. his hands were strong. they could throw a bale of hay like it was a handful of oats. and at the same time, hold a small child so lovingly that it could've been porcelain. i loved those hands.

the two things i learned most from grandpa vern were unconditional love (for everyone) and what a good relationship with your spouse looks like. he was the most unconditional man. no matter what age you were, what you had done, what gender you were... grandpa loved you. he always had arms to hug and cuddle you. i felt like i could be exactly who i was with vern. he loved you no matter what.

he and grandma also showed me how successful a marraige could be. this was one of the first relationships i was able to witness as a kid. my mom and dad were excellent examples too, but besides them, grandma and grandpa crane allowed me to realize what it was all about. grandpa would do anything for grandma. and she would do the same for him. i loved that he called grandma "mom". they had the perfectly balanced relationship... perfect give and take. overall they simply loved each other. he only had eyes for her. i remember hoping that i'd find a man that loved me as much as grandpa loved grandma. how many people get to witness this kind of love? not many.

so as we all come together... whether in physical form or spirit... let us remember the man that vernon crane was... he was the best example to so many of what we should aspire to be. hard-working, loving, unconditional, and my grandpa.

as i look into the eyes of my new baby boy charlie, i see all the potential his life carries... my wish is that he will possess the same qualities as grandpa vernon. a proud mama i would be.

i love you and will miss your presence in my life grandpa. although, i know you'll be with me, with us, forever. thank you.

as i said, looking at charlie gives me a renewed sense of life. as one passes, one begins. and what a beginning his has been. charlie has achieved so many little milestones already... it's fascinating to watch. since i spend almost every moment of his life with him, i see teeny tiny changes everyday. and then, i'll look at a picture of him a week previous and cannot believe how quickly little ones transition from one movement to the next, one sound to the next. i am loving every single moment of his life. i am a lucky mama.

so as i say goodbye to grandpa vern, i appreciate and celebrate his life through the eyes of my baby boy.

bye bye grandpa.

4 weeks after

2009-11-01T15:35:00.002-06:00

charlie's halloween outfit
papa loving his 3rd grandson... so cute.
i could stare at this boy forever
what up g?
about 15 minutes out of the gate. what an emotional journey.
the night before when i entered into pre-labor
enjoying hanging out with the fam, waiting on baby
i'm so glad the parents were able to enjoy some time before baby
my nest is complete (until i am ready to do charlie's room)
the twins were hoping charlie was going to come on their birthday, sept. 30th so they could share with yet another...

tomorrow will be four weeks since charles oliver stuart was born. it is amazing to me how quickly the time goes. it seems that time (or the illusion of it) is mentioned so much when it comes to kids and babies growing. one is not really aware until it happens to them what it really means... you want to grab time and stop it, but alas, that is not possible. all we can do is try our hardest to be present and enjoy each and every moment we have.

so that's exactly what i've been doing. i am so in love with my little boy. he is my sunshine, my moonshine, my star, and everything in between. he has captured my heart and i don't really care if i ever get it back. people can describe their love for their children, but until you have one of your own, it's just not possible to grasp the depth of what they mean. i love my step kids so very much and appreciate our relationship beyond words. they've been amazing with charlie and me. the connection i have with little charlie, is indescribable. i was able to grow him, nourish him, protect him, for 40 weeks, to the day, and i am now enjoying the fruits of my labor (quite literally).

our birth experience was more magical than expected. even though i manifested a birth story in my head, i knew at the end of the day, i had to let it all go and know that it would happen the way that it was going to happen. i'm so grateful that i got exactly what i asked for (and prepared for and studied for)... a water birth, in the comfort of my own home, with my loved ones around me and incredible midwives. i cannot believe the strength i was able to muster to bring my beautiful baby into the world. and he came out swimming! amazing. oliver was able to catch him when he swam out of my womb. it was crazy!! i remember looking up at everyone above me, as i pushed charlie out and he was placed on my chest, there was not a dry eye. we were all so very connected at that moment... by a new life, a new beginning, a perfect soul that is all knowing and a part of the divine.

my entire birth story is in the works and will be posted here soon. it's quite the project for me as there are so many pieces to it.

charlie has continued to surprise me and amaze me just as he did in my womb. i loved being pregnant. everyday was a new experience and i grew to love my baby boy more and more as he grew. that has not stopped. i love him even more. every little breath, sound, reaction, each time he takes to my breast, makes me smile and sing a little song in my heart. he's here!

i was so grateful to have the support system that i did through the first weeks. my healing was a process and i needed the help more than i had realized. my mom and dad were here for two and three weeks, my mom three, my dad two. having my mom with me was perfect. she offered advice without being pushy or a know-it-all, even though i really do think she knows it all. i love hearing all the stories about my birth (and my siblings) and how mom healed from it, how long she breastfed, what milestones we all accomplished and when... it was so fun. once again, my mom and i were connected even more deeply than we already were. our relationship continues to reach new heights. now i'm a mom and i realize how deeply she loves her kids, because i now get to experience the same love. watching my dad gaze into charlie's eyes, knowing that my husband and my dad were the two men we named charlie after... was perfect. it is my hope that charlie will have the same qualities of his papa and daddy. they are two of the best men i know. i'm so lucky.

i am thankful to all the people who have been so helpful and loving throughout this journey. now that i'm finally exiting my haze of the healing stage and feeling like a normal human being again, i look forward to finding a new balance in my life. i really have no idea what it all looks like ahead, but i do know that my perspective on the future has changed completely. i'm no longer just living for myself, i'm living for my son. i hope i make him proud to be mine.

4 weeks left

2009-09-03T21:09:00.004-06:00

bathroom, not completely done, but close!

computer space off in the distance... lots of room!

my plant is much happier in our room!

the queen size bed... until we get our king.

jomar on his bed, in our room.

jordan on his futon mattress, sleeping in our room. diego especially loves the bed on the floor, he gets to sleep with him. this is the almond tree right outside our window. the boys thought it would be fun to hang out in it for a little while. they created swings and sat and talked for about an hour.

this fish is so beautiful. don't worry, we let it go, but i just wanted to take a picture of it to show its beauty.

jords enjoying the fishing as well.

i know that i'm going to miss the feeling of my little charlie moving around inside my belly. i already know this. i always look forward to the next movement. everytime i feel this little boy making his presence be known, i stop whatever i'm doing and put my hands on my belly... a smile spreads on my face and my heart fills. char has even noticed me doing this a few times... especially when i'm teaching yoga. i feel so present when i'm teaching and charlie really seems to like when i'm stretching and moving into poses that he knows make me feel better and more myself. i do miss being able to extend further into poses. but i'll miss him in my belly, more, as i know this won't be happening for too much longer.

we're finally wrapping up this portion of additions and renovations on our house. i'm happy because i want my nest to feel finished and settled. i thrive on creating and when that creating forms a completion. i feel so much satisfaction. i love my new room and how much more space we've created for ourselves. i'm also glad that we chose to stay where we are... for now.
the only thing we haven't finished as of yet, is the painting in the boys' rooms. because of that, their rooms are a disaster. they brought their mattresses into our room to sleep. it's so cute. we're having family sleepovers. they think it's very cool and so do we! i love spending time with my cute boys. they're the best. it's great that 13, almost 14 year old boys still like their parents so much. we're all very lucky!
besides getting ready for baby, we also got to go out on the boat when ted's parents were here. they were here for about 10 days. we always love visitors and acting like "tourists". tom and shirley aren't really tourists though, they've been coming to belize since before i even knew it existed. they're so much fun. everytime they visit, they teach me some new game. this trip, it was cribbage... oh my goodness... love the game. char and i have had a lot of fun playing. the boys especially love tom and his magic tricks. it seems they have their own language. tom speaks magic and the boys understand. it's very sweet. i'm always grateful for having such lovely people in my life.

next visitors on the list??? mom and dad!!!!! cannot wait! hopefully charlie waits for their arrival to make HIS arrival.

additions

2009-08-19T14:49:00.004-06:00

oli worn out from working on the house and the boat... i am able to take this kind of picture OFTEN.

my addition in the addition. 8 months.

in the spa. 8 months.

our new windows and the pretty trees outside.

same 22" tile that we have in the spa. love it.

a tuckered diego, just like his dad.

oli showing me the bathroom and telling me what we'll be doing (or maybe it was me telling him what we were doing).

the day the boys left. they were sooooo excited!!

first off... my addition, charlie, is coming along just perfectly. i went to the doc yesterday to get my check-ups. even though i am delivering with a midwife, she isn't here on the island so i go to the local OBGYN to get my check-ups. he said that this little one is doing well and is almost 5 1/2 pounds already and about 18 inches long. i'm not sure how he is able to tell that... but he measured the femur and head and came up with the guesstimate. the baby is also already engaged, which for those of you who don't know, means he's face down and in the correct position. the doc said that this is a good sign saying that i'll likely have a normal birth. that made me very happy as i want a natural, water birth, so badly. i know that things can come up... but i continue to stay positive, take care of myself, exercise and send love to this little unborn baby.

i feel more and more movement, not more frequent, only more umph. charlie is strong and making his presence known regularly. to this point, the movement has been my very favorite thing about being pregnant. oh my goodness... i think the biggest reason i love it so much is that i know he's alive and well. if he doesn't move for awhile, my heart sinks a little when i realize it's been awhile and i do something that i know he doesn't like, so that he'll move abruptly to let me know he's there (mostly i just lie down on my back because he doesn't love that position). he he. that's probably mean, but he'll understand one day... or simply not remember that his mom is a meanie.

as far as our other addition... on our house... it's almost done. i'm posting some pictures of it as it's coming along. even since i took these last pictures a few days ago, they've made great progress. they've painted, chocolate and tan on the walls and have finished putting in the countertop tile in the bathroom, which is a lime green. i LOVE it! i'm so thrilled to have more space. i cannot wait to move in. then, we can get charlie's nursery done and repaint and tile the boys' rooms and the rest of the house. this has been fulfilling my nesting need so perfectly. i am already a creator... i love following things from start to finish, i love color, the smell of paint, the sound of wood cutting, and all the other things that go along with creating spaces... being pregnant only enhances this urge of mine.
i feel so fulfilled right now. oliver and i definitely go about things a little differently... but it's good. we've learned a lot about each other. i have been shown his creative process and he has seen mine. it's funny... we're almost opposite in some things. we just laugh at each other or try to wring the other's neck. the end is always the same though. we love it and it's soooo much fun.
the boys got back from the states yesterday. i'm so happy to have them home. they had a wonderful time on their trip. they loved their week in wisconsin where they danced their little hearts out and learned a lot from all their many teachers. their favorite was the male hip hop teacher, hmmmm, that's surprising. they spent a day in chicago, taking the train, going to "the bean", wrigley field. then they were in orlando for two weeks. they went to sea world three times and LOVED every visit. their favorite fastfood was subway. i was secretly proud that they didn't say mcdonald's. they even got little treats for their little brother.... jomar got him a hoodie from old navy and a onesie and jords got him a onesie that says "my dad's a superhero". i think they even grew a couple inches. they're getting so big!

it seems everything is coming together. the family is back together and our nest is almost ready. charlie has around 7 weeks left to roast and put on weight. i'm so excited to meet him... but want him to wait (please) for his grandparents to arrive on the boys' birthday, september 30th. my due date is october 5th. fingers crossed!!! i know he'll come when he's ready... and i know it'll all be perfect and what it is.

growth

2009-07-14T17:07:00.004-06:00

my view

today, 29 weeks

my birthday celebration at char and ted's. sylvia cooked us a yummy meal and made me a lovely cake!

taken today, just over 29 weeks

jomar's photography... and that's me at 28 weeks

28 weeks

cute diego on dad's birthday

27 weeks... up at rojo enjoying a day off

27 weeks again

besides my growing baby and belly, i've also turned a year older. 35 is the number of years i've been in this world and i'm all the wiser (i type with a smirk on my face). i feel so grateful everyday for this growing baby. my birthday this year was speckled with love from every part of my life. my husband, step kids, sister and brother-in-law and his family, and one little being that was with me the entire day, snuggling so close to my heart. i feel him, every move he makes. it brings a smile to my face every time i feel my little guy making his presence be known. i know you're in there baby. i feel my heart swell a bit more each day with an affection for him that is indescribable.

i received a lot of birthday wishes from friends and family far and near. my mom and dad, chris, grandma crane and melissa all called me from wherever they were in their worlds. my wish on my birthday each year is to spend time with myself and those i love. my wish came true once again this year, just like all the others. unfortunately i wasn't able to be with everyone physically, but you can be sure i was everyone spiritually and emotionally.

as i continue through my life, i realize more and more how much i love this experience i've created for myself, how comfortable i am in my body, even though at the moment i have a few aches and pains due to a growing baby, i cherish it all. this new journey i'm on is one for the books. and in my books i've been writing it all down. i know one day i will look back on this time as a pure blessing. i think about my mom, giving birth to me 35 years ago and how magical it must've been. i was clueless to the love my mom and dad had for me. i know now, more than ever, how much their hearts were bursting for this little girl they'd brought into the world. and the cycle continues. my charlie will be with us in about 3 months. life will be so much fuller. who knew that was even possible?

i hope you find fullness in your life too... thank you all for being a part of mine.

another trip home

2009-07-05T09:52:00.000-06:00

a profile of baby stuart at 24 weeks... so cute.

parker, at my baby shower, stuffing all the tissue paper in his shirt to look pregnant like me... gabe did the same thing. silly kids!

opening one, of many, thoughtful and generous gifts given to me by my friends and family. this little boy is going to have a lot of fun things to wear and play with, same with me.

dad and char at the family shower... it was gay pride day as well. dad was paying tribute by acting feminine and wearing his lime green shirt. he fit the part perfectly!

most nights produce incredible sunsets in salt lake, this night was no different. we went to hires and this was the view outside the window. char and i ran around the parking lot taking pictures of random things... this was the best one.

proof that chris was in st. george with us... that's mom talking to him while enjoying the sun and pool.

first sleep after coming back from korea. mr. tengler did not want to get out of bed that day... but we made him!

all of us enjoying the pool. char and her creative ways of protecting her skin from the sun. that or she just had no idea what it was.

it's taken me awhile to get this post up... but i got it up nonetheless...

my month in utah, and the surrounding areas, was so needed. i didn't work at all, which is very unusual for me. i was able to spend quality time with everyone... although there are some i didn't get to spend enough time with... which happens. time does go by quickly. i am able to appreciate the people in my life. especially now that i'm growing a life. my little guy grew so much while we were gone. his daddy and brothers were very surprised. now that they know that he can hear voices, they bend down a few times a day to speak to him. very sweet.

my mom and dad are always over accommodating and wonderful. it was lovely to be on holiday with my sis. she and i are so good together and have such similar likes (and dislikes). the weather was spectacular. the rain didn't leave us for an entire 24 hours pretty much the whole time. the mountains were singing, i could hear them. this summer in utah will be incredible... allowing for an even more incredible fall. my little one will be coming in 2 1/2- 3 months... fall time. pretty amazing to think about.

as i was packing my stuff to head back to belize, i got a little choked up, as always, but was thrilled to see my family here. being pregnant makes things so much more meaningful, deliberate, in-the-moment, real, emotional.

we also got to have a surprise party for chad. he turned 30! crazy. he was genuinely surprised, or he's just really good at acting that way. it was rainy, but still fun. it's always nice to show someone, especially your brother, how much you love and appreciate him.

something lacking during our visit was our family now residing in arkansas. we sure missed chris, jayme and the kids. the whole trip... especially during the celebrations.

i look forward to my next trip... with my baby boy, hopefully in march 2010. until then... love to you all. thank you for an incredible trip.

daddy's day

2009-06-21T12:17:00.003-06:00

happy father's day to you dad. i love you so much. i sit and think about how significant you've always been in my life. no matter where i am or what i'm doing... you're in it. i hope you realize how important you are.

my dad is the type of guy that makes you laugh without trying. you can be sure that if you're having a down day, he'll call or email and make sure that by the end... you're smiling and thinking about how great life is. you forget why you're having a bad day in the first place. that's a gift. i remember being a kid and thinking how lucky i was to have a dad that was a real part of my life... not just stepping in every once in awhile. he was always there... always. and still is. i had hoped to find a man who possessed the same qualities my dad does. even though i had to travel all the way to belize and set down some roots... i found him. oli is another dad who has made his own path, learning to be a dad all his own. i have so much respect for him and his ability to be an unconditional and strong example to his kids. they are lucky to have him. just as i am lucky to have mine!

now that i'm bringing another manchild into the world... it is my biggest wish that he takes after his papa and dad... two of the most incredible men i've ever been so lucky to meet... and share my life with. thanks!

happy father's day to all the dads in my life... i love you all.

life in the fast lane

2009-05-17T08:17:00.005-06:00

little boy stuart

cute little profile

in the middle of all our fun, the wine dinner at red ginger was incredible!!

5 months

my little one's first outfit (purchased by me)... mom and char have already bought cute things for baby blue

front desk at sol spa... my biggest helper, oliver, standing there waiting for some assistance

our spa bathroom

char's esthetic room

my treatment room

the cool lights that adorn the spa. they were quite a puzzle to put together

lounge area... pictures haven't been hung quite yet.

melancholy diego the day i left for salt lake

oli and i at the wine dinner

the last little while has been a little crazy with growing a baby, moving into a new space (sol spa), arranging a month long trip to utah (yeah) and raising 13 year old twins boys. each thing being wonderful and challenging all at the same time.

being pregnant has been so wonderful and introspective. i've learned so much about myself. i realize how sentimental i am. i think sometimes i try to deny it, but boy, these pregnancy hormones will not stand for that. all my emotions have been running free for awhile now. it's nice, most of the time. poor oliver is witness to the fun rollercoaster ride everyday and he always has a smile on his face. he has surprised me the most through all this. not that i didn't think, deep down, that he would be amazing, but you never know when certain events come up, what will happen and what will be the reaction. he has stepped up 120% to being a great dad (he already is to his 3 bigger kids, but i'm talking about the one inside me)... he helps me with everything, no questions asked. he doesn't allow me to lift a finger, unless i sneak. i am trying very hard to honor my body and be nice to it. i of course, am an independent woman and find it difficult sometimes to allow oliver, or anyone else, to help me. i'm getting better.

i arrived in salt lake with charlene, on thursday. the week before we came, we moved sol spa into its final destination at the phoenix resort. it's a stunning place. i LOVE it so much. i've included a few of those pictures. i'm so glad to be here in salt lake, but we didn't have even a full day to enjoy our new space... something to look forward to when we get home!

the twins have been full on lately. i think it's for a number of reasons, but mostly i think it's because they're teenagers. they're trying really hard to figure out their place in the world and most of it is by doing the wrong thing. wow. overwhelming and wonderful. at the end of the day... they are incredible kids and i adore them. they teach me a lot every single day.

as for the little one inside me...

mom, char and i went shopping the first day we were here (of course, can't resist) and saw that there was a fetal studio in the mall. we got the ultrasound right there on the spot and found out that i'm having a boy!!!! i'm so damn excited. so is my cute oliver. well, i think everyone is. i can now feel him kicking too. as i was getting the ultrasound i could see when he would kick me and connect the feeling to the movement. i've been feeling him for quite awhile, i just didn't know i was. the beauty of being pregnant for the first time.

i'm so glad i found out the sex of this baby. i don't know why i wanted to know so badly. i think because a lot of people were thinking i was having a girl and i just didn't know. now i do! i'm so thrilled to continue this journey with this little one and all the fantastic, unconditional people around me.

today, sunday, we're heading up to park city to visit grandma. dad's in korea for the week so we get to have lots of girl time. although, i think dad enjoys girl time too!

springtime here is completely on! the first thing i do in the morning is open my windows to let the fresh air in and the sound of the happy birds all around. i love utah in the spring!

hope you're having a wonderful spring day too...

mom day

2009-05-10T07:11:00.006-06:00

this photo was taken almost two years ago, but it's one of my favorites of our family. mom (and dad) you did well!

today is the day for mothers. i think everyday is mother's day. i mean moms don't get to choose which days they want to be a mother... it's every single day from the very first second they've conceived or picked their babies up from the agency from which they've adopted.

i've been a step mom for quite awhile and i am blessed everyday with beautiful kids and new lessons. i now am growing a new baby. i've already developed a connection with this baby that is indescribable. and it makes me realize the true blessing of mothers, of my mom. every single moment of each of your children's lives is connected to you. you feel all of it as a mom. all of it. no matter whether your kids are 2 or 40, far or near, you feel the connection with each of them. your "job" is never over. what an honor. i look forward to all of it, every smile, every disagreement, every event, every good grade, maybe even every bad grade.

each year, actually each day, i develop a deeper appreciation for my mom. i feel like the more time goes on, i understand and appreciate the way she feels about me and the rest of her kids. some days are tough and some are easy, but it's all love, unconditional love. she never wavers in her love for me. i'm so grateful to have the mom i do.

i am sending love to my mom's mom. grandma, you have the strength to get through this. you have so many people around you that love you. all of us can learn from you and your bravery.

happy mother's day to all the women in my life. so many wonderful women... may you have a wonderful day and be showered with love by everyone around you... especially your kids!

the future

2009-03-22T10:22:00.005-06:00

i'm 12 weeks pregnant with my first baby. i'm over the moon with excitement about this little one growing inside me. all these feelings are brand new. i'm so glad that i've made the decisions in my life that have led me to this point. the timing could not be better. i feel like i've explored all the things i need to explore (for now), have a lovely life in a beautiful place, have a supportive and unconditional husband, and an incredible family, far and near. i do miss everyone everyday. i realize this more every single day... especially now that i'm expecting a baby. i want everyone close. i know i can go there in my mind anytime i want, and i do.

i was lucky to not have any morning sickness. i've become more hungry and have a huge need for an abundance of sleep. i love diving into bed every night. apparently this little one is growing quickly and sucking up lots of energy from mama. my mom gave me some really great advice at the very beginning... not to allow my belly to get empty. that advice has served me well.

while mom and dad were here, i was able to sit with my mom, listening to different stories i'd never heard before. she told me about all her pregnancies, births and the joys and sorrows of them all. i loved the details and wanted to know everything. i feel like this has taken our mother/daughter relationship to a whole different level. i've entered into this secret society of women who have gone through this before me. women who i know well and not so well feel the need to express to me, openly, of their own child-birthing experiences. i sit and listen in awe of all these great mothers in the world. it's amazing. a feeling i've never been able to have before. i feel like i understand things differently now. perhaps it's just a shift within myself that's always been there, i'm just feeling i can tap into now.

as i progress through this pregnancy i remain grateful for my life. i've been so blessed. i already love this little one and imagine what he or she will look like... names are racing through my head, although i think we've already got them. i have vivid dreams of how our lives are going to change. different music plays through my head...

i'll keep you updated on my journey. pictures of ultrasounds and such to come...
loves to all.

mom and dad's visit to belize

2009-03-15T14:02:00.005-06:00

hmmmm, what can i say, chuckie sports the snorkel gear like a champ

jords posing like a good kid

my pretty mama

i asked dad to take his sunglasses off... he didn't like it so much. char followed suit. silly people.

beautiful boy jomar

the pretty couple

mom loves to snorkel. we even saw turtles on this day! they were so cute.

mom and dad were here for about 12 days (never long enough). it was so wonderful to see my cutest parents. i miss them everyday. we had such a great time while they were here. it's so easy to hang and just be. i love them so much. ted's parents were also in town before mom and dad. they overlapped three days. it was fun to have the time together with the meadows as well. tom shared more magic tricks with the boys and they've been practicing since he left.

in a perfect world, we would all be closer or able to snap our fingers and traveling the 2800 miles would take 2 seconds. i am grateful for the time we do spend together. i feel very lucky to have a family i really like to be around... that's apparently, unique. and i've realized that being away from many of my favorite people allows me to spend quality time, truly quality time with those people, when i am with them.

thanks mom and dad for another fabulous trip. i love you guys. we all do!!!

one

2009-01-20T07:26:00.002-06:00

today is a day we will all remember. it's going down in the books as one of thee most important. barack obama is getting sworn into office in less than three hours. i am overwhelmed with emotion, hope and grace. we are going to see people's hope renewed. it's been said that it must be dark before it can be light. obama is the light. he is the symbol we all needed to get us out of this downward spiral of negativity and fear.
i wish that i could see him face to face. if i did, this is what i would say...

president obama,
i thank you for your courage. you are entering the office of president at one of the most difficult times in our history. you give me hope. you allow me to see what humans are truly capable of. i am at a point in my life where i am wanting to bring another person into the world. you help me see that i can and should bring a new baby into this world. i realize that my baby will be able to be whomever or whatever he/she wants. that makes me happier than i could ever express. i live in belize. everyone here feels like you are their president too. make us proud. i know you will. bring your girls to belize someday. we'll show you how much your example is appreciated.
we are all one... and you are the representation of that.
with all my respect,
carrie

i wish everyone a happy inauguration day!

new digs

2008-12-06T08:58:00.002-06:00

so the spa has moved. we're so excited about our new location. the spa space isn't completely done. the phoenix has set us up in a beachfront condo for a temporary location. it's fabulous. i have realized so much about myself in all this change. i love it!

diego loves hanging out on the front porch, looking at the sea, daydreaming about dog bones and such. the phoenix people are so wonderful. they're making the transition very smooth.

oliver has been helping me so much with everything. he is a very wonderful husband. it's his birthday tomorrow. he's finally my age again.

enjoy the view...

complete gratitude

2008-11-27T07:17:00.003-06:00

so many things to be thankful for today... smiles, blue skies, hugs, a good cup o' coffee, sunsets, health, family, gravy, stuffing, puppy love, wine, unconditional love, a cat's purr, a good song, fulfilled commitments, change, love.

i sit in full gratitude with a big smile on my face and a swell in my heart for all the good in my life. i miss the ones i'm not with and appreciate the ones i am.

on this lovely turkey day i am spending it with char and ted, my husband and kids and sylvia. of course our dogs will join in the fun too. char and i are doing all the fixin's and ted's doing the turkey. sylvia will be topping it all off with her wonderful pumpkin pie.

on the official kick-off for the holiday season, i am setting the tone for my family to be grateful for all the little things in life. we are all so lucky to have each other, our health, the nature that surrounds us and the ability to love. i thank everyone in my life for adding all the wonderful pleasures i get to experience everyday.

lots of changes are happening in my life... i will keep everyone updated on them all. sunday is a step in the change department. we're moving sol spa to its temporary location at the phoenix. we'll be working out of a condo for the first month. it'll be so nice to get to our new location. many pictures to come... as for now, check out the updates on www.thephoenixbelize.com

love to all. happy thanksgiving!!!

change

2008-10-12T10:40:00.003-06:00

i have so much to say about what is going on right now in the world. instead of focusing on the negative and pointing fingers at all the people that may or may not be responsible... i'm turning the finger around to point at me. it's time for me to stand up for what i believe. it's time for me to be the change i wish to see in the world. one way i'm doing this is voting. being out of the country makes it more apparent why i must vote. why i must exercise my right as a human being, a u.s. citizen, a woman, to vote for the person i believe has the power to change the world.

we are at a very critical place... globally. every single person in the world, whether we like it or not, looks to the u.s. for its next move. right now we're finding ourselves in a holding pattern. we're all holding our breath. on election day, i fully believe we'll be able to breath again. sure, there will be a lot of work that needs to be done... but we will see a very significant shift in this world on that day. i know i'm an idealist, but god, someone needs to be. i believe obama is going to be our next president. i won't consider the alternative.

this world needs someone to bring them together, create peace, understanding, unity. not separation, fear and ethnocentricity.

i have a deep hope and respect for what obama represents. i could talk about it for a long time... but mostly... it comes down to what i see when i look in his eyes. he is the hope we NEED in this world.

vote obama!

independence day in belize

2008-09-28T21:22:00.003-06:00

last weekend was full of celebrations. belize turned 27 on the 21st of september. so there was a parade (which is what the pictures show) and fireworks on saturday night. they lasted a whole 20 minutes... dad you would have been impressed... and the boys played drums in the marching band. oh my goodness, they were amazing. i listened to them as they practiced, which was only for two weeks, but they progressed tremendously. something that i've observed with the school they go to is the incredible sense of community. it's wonderful to see. all the kids have grown up together and have such great communication and cooperation. it was made evident in how well they did whilst marching. they were better than the high school marching band. it was a huge highlight for them and for everyone who got to watch them. they were pooped by monday, but had the day off from school to chill. it's so cool to be part of this young and wonderful country.

jomar is in the yellow visor (besides playing the drum is also the one who blows the whistle indicating they need to change beats) and jordan is playing the big drum... the bass.

this last picture is of these cute people who were portraying the belizean flag. is that the cutest thing ever? they even have the mahogony tree in the middle of them! so creative and sweet.
happy birthday belize!

the reason i live on an island

2008-09-28T13:14:00.003-06:00

this week has been a fabulous week. it's a quiet time of year in san pedro. there aren't a ton of tourists on the island... since there is a chance a hurricane could threaten this beautiful place at anytime. so it's all us locals doing what we do. and what do i do when it's slow? besides thinking up new and creative ideas for the spa (which is so much fun and necessary)... i spend some quality time with myself and the people i love.

i've been spending a lot of time swimming with diego. it is not a complete day unless he gets to retrieve a coconut... over and over again. it takes him a long time to wear out which means my right arm gets its workout throwing a heavy coconut. i wish that my left arm was more coordinated to try and balance it out.

these pictures are some i snapped while enjoying a perfect day. the water was perfectly clear, a cool, soft breeze across the water and a space for me to breath in the clean air and watch my dog smile from ear to ear.

i love these kinds of days.

i wish everyone a perfect day...

my religion

2008-09-06T12:22:00.003-06:00

i spent about 4 1/2 weeks in utah. mid july-mid august. i love summertime in the mountains. and these pictures represent the reason why. anne, a teacher that works with anne, nicole, and i went on a lovely hike one friday morning while i was there. it was a little rainy so the smell in the air was thee most incredible smell consisting of... pine, dirt, water, sweetness, campfires, wildflowers. the colors were even more vibrant than they had been a couple hours previous. and, the beginning of august is the best time for wildflowers. they were everywhere! i think it is the most i have ever seen. we hiked from brighton ski resort over to alta ski resort. the hike was difficult at first since i don't go hiking very often anymore. and the beginning IS always the hardest because you have to hike UP! i loved every step of it.

everytime i'm in town... i always call on anne, my adventurist, to take me for a hike (if it's during the summer, winter hikes aren't so fun for me anymore). it is so much fun to go with her. she knows everything there is to know about the nature surrounding us... the names of the trees, birds, mountain ranges, mountain peaks, the trails, how long they are, what day the snow melted, the ski runs that we're walking on, literally everything. she probably could've stuck her finger out and told me what the temperature was... i never asked. the beautiful thing is, she doesn't just talk the whole time naming everything. she only tells you if you ask. i love that. she's brilliant, but doesn't gloat about it. i love listening to her stories as well. no doubt, being on those ski runs brings up a lot of memories for her as a child skiing down them.

i appreciate those mountains more and more as i get older. i take my first step onto the trail and almost start crying because it's as if i'm home again. the mountain waits for me. i know it does. because it's there, just like it was before, every single time i set foot on it's rich soil. it's true, my lungs are not as expanded and welcoming to the thin air as they used to be... but that's to be expected since i now live below sea level. it's a good thing anne tells such good stories because i can't talk very much during those damn ass-grinds she insists on taking me... and it's evident that she's a mountain woman because she doesn't even break a sweat through her storytelling!

it's not fair!

i'm so glad that i took the time out of my busy trip to reconvene with my religion... nature.

surprises

2008-07-14T21:33:00.005-06:00

there were so many fun events the last couple weeks, that i just haven't caught up. so, let me back track a bit and tell you about kelly's birthday surprise. mukul, her husband, rented a beautiful catamaran for the day that a few of us went out on. it was one of those days where the water is crystal clear, you can see 15 feet down, perfectly, the wind is just enough to keep you cool, and the company, food, and spirits all compliment each other and i couldn't say which was better. he he. kelly is so funny. since she's an only child, she is used to it being 'all about her' and it was. we spent the day eating the lovely food sylvia had prepared (ceviche, thai wraps with a yummy sesame soy dip, shrimp with a peanut sauce), drinking sangria that char and i made, but really it was mostly char, snorkeling with the manatees and let me just say that it is truly a spiritual experience. the manatee that i swam with was very inquisitive and unafraid to get close to me. they are such docile creatures and so big. i loved every minute of it. oliver knows exactly where the manatees hang out... so we have the inside connection. after our relaxing day, we all congregated at bc's for the second part of the surprise. a tent was set up with tables and chairs, a pinata hanging from the middle and what every good party needs, a karaoke machine with a huge tv kelly and mukul had stored... they brought the thing out of storage for this particular event. karaoke is kelly's favorite thing. it was very entertaining to watch and listen to everyone. you can tell a lot about a person by the karaoke songs they choose to sing! all in all, it was a smashing good time. i needed a couple days to recover from that one. char even stayed longer than me that night (morning). she got carried away with the karaoke as well. thanks to y'all for a fabulous time!

it just keeps gettin' better

2008-07-12T23:56:00.003-06:00

another year in my life and i am so happy. i turned 34 today. and i'm not kidding, every year gets better. i love my thirties. i am so comfortable with who i've become. i am comfortable with all the questions in my life i haven't answered. i have what i want and still have goals. i'm at the beginning of the rest of my life. and i can't wait. i'm so grateful for my wonderful husband. he is so good to me. so good. we understand each other on a very deep level. we're comfortable in our individual lives that we choose to share with each other. and the boys. and our dog. and our loved ones. i smile with gratitude for all the loveliness in my life. thanks to everyone who makes my life so sweet. thanks to my sis for making my birthday relaxing and exactly what i needed. and so the next chapter begins...

birthday abundance

2008-06-23T19:31:00.006-06:00

first of all... it's my oldest brother's birthday today! i'm so sad when i can't be with people that i love, on their birthdays. i love celebrating. love it! chris and i used to really know how to celebrate. any chance we got. we used to be connected at the hip when we were younger. i felt so lucky to have a funny, handsome, cool, fun to be with, older brother. not many of my friends could relate. so they'd just come over and hang out with my brother. now we live in different places, live different lives, but are still so connected... and our lives aren't so different. we're both raising two boys, we both live away from where we were raised, we have fantastic spouses, do things we enjoy, and love to be with our families. go figure. anytime we are back in the same place, it's as if no time has been lost. i'm grateful for our relationship. i'm sure that jayme, my cute sister-in-law, took great care of christopher allen. i am a lucky girl. i find myself saying that a lot... but i am. happy birthday chris! i love you a lot.

oliver's mom sylvia, my mother-in-law, my food guru, my partner in crime... celebrated her 55th birthday this weekend. her birthday is the 21st, so the whole weekend was a celebration. kelly had a birthday too, which i'll do a whole separate post for that one and it was lobster fest. it was quite a weekend. so much fun.

so... we celebrated sylvia's birthday at blue water grill. it was fabulous. since it was lobster fest, the entire week was centered around lobster, go figure. it was blue water's turn on friday night. the night the family chose to celebrate sylvia's bday. there was a live band, a lobster pinata, yummy lobster dishes, and all the employees were adorned with lobster necklaces... which they shared with our table. so nice. the band sang an entire birthday song to sylvia, reggae style. it was awesome. sylvia danced to the beat.

there was even a fire dancer. she was amazing. imagine watching a fire dancer, on the beach, with the sea and moon as a back drop, listening to live reggae music. pretty cool. i always wish that i could have everyone in my pocket, experiencing things with me. then, at any particular moment, i could take a particular person out, depending on what that particular person liked... let them taste, hear, see, laugh... and then put them back in to have them close at hand (no pun intended). i'm going to invent something like that in my next life. there are so many times when i'll think of something and think, hmmm i wish this person was here right now, next to me. but, i guess that's the irony in life. needless to say, it was a great night. a lot of fun was had. happy birthday to sylvava...

3 in 1

2008-06-15T10:07:00.005-06:00

today is quite an important day. it's chad's birthday, father's day, and my mom and dad's anniversary (the last time they got married). so perhaps the important one. it's pretty amazing to think about all the different relationships in your life and how wonderful each one truly is.

chad bud is 29 today. my little brother. i don't care how tall he is, he'll always be my little brother. i can't believe he's 29... that means i'll be 34. hmmmm. we're all growed up. what does time have to do with anything though, right? chad is a person in my life who i adore and respect. he is so loving and huggable. he loves his wife, his family, the small things, jal, a good glass of wine, the jazz, the thrill of gaining people's respect, understanding money, scrubs, tri-tips, and showing people things that he likes... hoping they'll like them just as much as he does (which can be difficult sometimes because he truly loves things deeply and wholeheartedly)... the list could go on and on.

it's father's day. i have some of the most incredible dads in my life. and let me say, my dad takes the cake (did i say that right?). he is the easiest person to be around. seriously. how can one girl get so lucky in life? my mom and dad are cool. each father's day i sit and think about the true significance of my dad. he is my rock and such an important person in my life. i have had a few good, close friends lose their dads this last year. heartbreaking and gut-wrenching experiences for all of them. i know they're missed today. so this year, on father's day, i sit in pure gratefulness that i still have my dad in physical form. i am so very grateful i get to experience things with him. i want to cherish every moment i have in his presence... because you never ever know. my heart goes out to those close to me, who lost their dads. even though they're not here in body, they absolutely are in spirit. i love you dad. beyond words.

happy father's day to my husband... who has become an excellent dad all on his own. he has set new paths and knocked down barriers for his kids. i have a very deep respect for him.

and to my big brother chris. he was born to be a dad. happy father's day to him too.

birthdays and holidays are always a little bitter sweet when we can't be with the ones we're celebrating. i hope that my chad has a fabulous birthday. i have a feeling that this year is going to be groundbreaking for him. i hope that my dad and chris have meaningful father's days and know that they are very loved and appreciated. and... last but not least, i hope my mom and dad remember to hold hands and know that they are blessed to have each other, after all these years. i know i appreciate their relationship. it makes me strong.

i've chosen pictures of beautiful places we've all been together or apart. nature is a central part of all our relationships...

we'll be thinking about our loved ones who aren't with us as we celebrate. oli has chosen to chill today, father's day request. so we ate some good food, watched movies, took the dogs swimming and are now watching the game. hopefully this is the last one! sorry belize futbol team lost, but they gave mexico a good run.

here's to all of you... cheers!

hurricane season is here

2008-06-01T19:08:00.003-06:00

we spent our sunday indoors. tropical storm arthur has paid us a visit and is staying a little longer than we would've liked. i didn't leave the house all day. i watched three movies (what happens in vegas, p.s. i love you, and 21, all really good in their own way), america's next top model, ate food that my cute husband made, and tested jomar for spelling and science. he got to play lots of playstation 2 with conner. what else is there to do when there's a tropical storm outside, right? poor diego is a little antsy as well. he hasn't been able to go out and run or swim for a couple days. oliver decided to move his boat around the back of the island. the wind has progressively picked up as the day has gone on. so he'll sleep better tonight knowing his other love is safe and secure.

it's pretty amazing how alert and into the weather channel you become during this time of year. hurricane season fascinates me. the overall feeling changes here, during the wet season. everything revolves around the possibility of a storm. i think belizeans and people living in hurricane prone areas, have an entirely different outlook on life and material things... how temporary everything truly is. a great lesson for everyone. think good thoughts for this upcoming hurricane season... that the weather gods will be gracious and mild.

for now... tell arthur that he has spread enough of his love... buh bye.

my first official trip to texas...

2008-05-25T10:27:00.006-06:00

we had such a fabulous weekend (extended) in new braunfels, texas. ted's parents have a house down on the guadalupe river. it's so beautiful and relaxing. shirley, ted's mom, decided to have a reception-type after-the-wedding party for char and ted in driftwood. so, we (my parents, char and ted, chris and jayme, ckyler and chase, CAROLINE (char's bestest friend and my little sis)and i) all traveled different times and ways to tom and shirley's abode. oli, unfortunately, couldn't join us, but he was very missed.

we all wanted to go to the party and it was a wonderful way to spend some quality time with our families. there was no agenda and were no time restraints... well, except for the party. we basically spent most of our time at the river and um, shopping at the best outlet mall i've ever been to. i think we even wore shirley out... something for the books! i think tom would like us to come and visit more often just for that very reason. but i'm not kidding, the shopping is fabulous. i have such a weakness for killer deals at high end places. i bought a pair of perfect jeans at barney's for only $39. perfect isn't the brand, i can't remember that part, but perfect is how they fit! also, crate and barrel has an outlet store there. stores like these are the reason i fantasize about having a home in the states... sometimes. char and i walked around making all kinds of oooooohs and ahhhhhs.

the river house is, as the name states, right on the river. everyone took their turns getting in and kayaking or tubing around. it's wonderful being out on the cool water with the warm sun shining on you. we all spent some great time in the water. even ckyler got over his fear of the water and swam around with alice's kids, sarah and jack. it is a kids' paradise. i would imagine that ted and his sisters, alice and laura, experienced all kinds of rights-of-passage growing up at this place. there are places to hide, tell stories, swing in trees, learn to jump, overcome the fear of the dark, and to experience the magic of nature. you are engulfed by it. everywhere you look is either green, or water.

tom and shirley were wonderful and gracious hosts. tom, the magician, mysteriously created these meals, consisting of bbq chicken, bbq beans, corn on the cob, steak, tuna, baked potatoes... while we were all drinking wine and enjoying the outdoors. they have a beautiful home and would not allow us to lift a finger, even though we tried. it was a true holiday.

i have a bunch of pictures i'd like to post from the party as well, but they're on ted's camera... so i'll do that soon.

to explain the pictures above...

#1- the view of the guadalupe from the deck of the meadow's yard... looking upstream

#2- the puppy, Bo (sp?) apparently he likes coffee

#3- ckyler and jayme... ckyler injured himself a few times whilst playing. he got a bite on his ear that allowed it to really swell and got smacked on the eye by the swing. boys will be boys. he is such an incredible boy. so smart and so sweet.

#4- my cute sis gearing up for her last swim in the river before heading home

#5- christopher guiding chase into the water for the first time. he lasted a few minutes in his dada's lap.

#6- the morning view from the house... amazing

#7- chaser sitting on auntie carrie's lap, contemplating whether or not he is going to get in the water

#8- ted towing chris and chase for a little ride downstream

#9- my mama and i after i received a haircut from another magician i know

#10- my papa getting out of the water... rearing to go to the airport

yeah for texas!!!!

in honor of my mom

2008-05-11T07:54:00.003-06:00

today is mother's day. i have already teared up a few times this morning bringing up memories i've shared with my mom, listening to the songs on 'sunday morning' about mothers, and watching a clip on 'sunday morning' about a lab mix feeding a litter of kittens because the lab's babies all got adopted and the kittens' mama wasn't recovered... so a miracle happened. the reasons that made me emotional were because i love animals, i have my own pup and kitties and mostly because my mom is the reason i have such a love of animals. she looooves them... every single one of them. i think sometimes she likes animals more than humans, i can relate. animals are unconditional and real, sometimes characteristics lacking in humans... but not always.

my mom can see the best in everything. she can look at something that is ugly, awkward, and seemingly unwanted and find the magic in it. she has a knack for that. when i was younger, down and out, for one reason or another... my mom could always, ALWAYS, turn it around for me and put a smile on my face. no matter what the situation... whether it was falling off my bike, a friend and i getting in a tiff, or me fighting with a boyfriend... she could talk me through it and allow me to see my faults in it, but at the same time allow me to feel as though i'd done nothing wrong. miracles happen everyday! she still does this for me, even though i'm miles away and i'm an 'adult'. my mom is the person in the world i know i can call at anytime with any sort of question or dilemma and she will drop everything and focus on me. no questions asked, no 'i don't have time right now', never. i'm so grateful for the unconditional support i've gotten my whole life. so grateful, it's difficult to put into words. i feel that mother's day is one of thee most important days of the year. it's the day we honor our most beloved confidants, our best friends, our support system, our cheerleaders, our ring leaders, our doctors, our teachers.... our moms.

i wish you the best day ever mom. i love you with all my heart. you deserve every happiness you've bestowed upon me. thank you. i'll see you in a week!!!! i cannot wait!

bugs and birthdays

2008-05-03T10:09:00.003-06:00

this last week has been a rollercoaster. last weekend the boys got violently sick with stomach cramps, throwing up, and everything else that comes along with it... fever, bathroom visits every 20 minutes, etc. jomar definitely got it worse than jords. we thought that they both had suffered from food poisoning... which definitely was the case, but when it wasn't getting much better, we got some poop samples (my first experience with that, very fun) and took them to the doctor. come to find out, they both had amoebas. jomar scared me so badly on sunday. he had a really bad fever. i would go in every 10 or 15 minutes to feel him, see if the fever was going down... and this particular time, it just kept getting worse. i was trying so hard to keep him hydrated and at one point, i was sitting next to him and he was looking at me. i would say something or ask a question and he was completely out of it. he would not respond. it was the worst feeling i've ever had. i called oliver in to help me and we took all his clothes off and tried to cool him down. we had him drink a glass of water and he finally came to. oh my goodness, so so scary. his fever was just very high and he couldn't fully process what was happening. they're now both taking some bug zapping medicine and are feeling much better. they are some tough boys. they never complain about taking the nasty stuff and have been so good about eating very blandly, even though i know they're so hungry since those stupid little bastards in their bellies were eating everything up inside them. gross!!! if you don't know what amoebas are... they're parasites, but the worst ones. here in belize, parasites are very common. since it's such a humid spot, things grow a lot faster and have a better chance of living longer. also, kids tend to get them more often because, as much as you teach them to wash their hands, it doesn't always happen and that is the prime place that the transfer can happen. the road to recovery has seemed to be long, but they're both wanting to play softball this morning, so that's a good sign.

charlene allison tengler meadows had a birthday this week (may 1st). wednesday night we had a family dinner... in which my wonderful mother-in-law cooked a wonderful thai meal. thursday, ted took the birthday girl to dinner at capricorn and last night, friday, all the girls went to caliente for margaritas and appetizers. since kelly and mukul bought caliente a couple weeks ago, they've made friday night 1/2 price margaritas. since their margaritas are the best in town, we thought that was the perfect place to celebrate the bean's birthday. we had a group of 12 women. we all had our share of margaritas and i'm feeling the affects as i type this entry. it was so much fun. we have not had a girls' night for quite awhile. between me traveling a lot, char traveling a lot, being moms, wives, and career women, it's tough to take time to see each other. so it was very nice to catch up with everyone and 'let loose' for the evening. i have some pictures, but they're on my phone. i'm not sure how to transfer from my phone to the computer yet (i'll have to ask my computer's doctor for help on that one). the only pictures i have are of char in her sombrero, on a plastic donkey, while we sing happy birthday to her. it's fantastic! she has the 'char look' as she's riding the donkey!
happy birthday bean!

how grateful i am

2008-04-08T07:07:00.005-06:00

these are some pictures that i've taken on my returning trips to utah...

traveling back and forth between belize and utah makes me realize how very grateful i am to live the life i do. i just got back to san pedro a couple weeks ago from utah. i had so much fun with my mom and dad and am so appreciative of everything they do for me while i'm there. we spent a lot of time just hanging out, eating good food, drinking wine (well not mom, but dad and i), and watching our shows. i always get addicted to new tv shows when i'm there. this trip it was 'men in trees'. oh my goodness. it is so good.

i also got to spend some great times with chad and abbie, camie, the four leaves of a clover and aly and her family. aly came up with her fam from st. george to stay at deer valley. her sis amy and clan joined us as well. oh my goodness, sitting in the hot tub with inches upon inches of snow up against the hot tub, was fabulous. i taught river and abigail how to eat icicles. they thought that was fun! i was so grateful to be able to spend time with the whole group... every single person is so genuine and wonderful. i figured out that eric and i both like to win (well, i already knew that i liked to win, duh)! i taught them how to play a card game that ted's family created (so they say :)), called onze. it's so great. and eric beat me... damn! beginners luck. aly was so not competitive and just sat and giggled at her husband's and my competitiveness. i love that.

one night the four girls... ford, linds, shannon and i went and had dinner at the oyster bar (of course, that's where we always go). and then shannon told us that we had to go to her house afterwards to watch a home video that ryan had discovered of our senior trip... that was 15 years ago! so the four of us went to their house, settled into the couch next to each other and watched our video (well, dvd, that had been converted by ry). we laughed, we cried, and they made fun of me... because i was awkwardly very similar to napoleon dynamite in a few different scenes... not sure why that would be funny... but shannon, melissa and lindsay thought it was. it was a great moment for the four of us. i'm glad that ryan found it.

another favorite part of my trip was driving with dad in the HOV lane every night. i used his car to drive up to the spa in park city. i would drive with my dad to his work in the morning, drop him off, and then drive up the beautiful parley's canyon to my day of work. then, i'd drive back down at the end of the day, pick up the pops and then head home to draper. since it was always during rush hour, the fact that i was in the car, got us home quickly to the hungry tt. we got to speed by all the single drivers, probably wishing they had someone who came from belize to use their car, like my dad. ha. see, there is some rhyme and reason to life.

i also loved that i was there during this fantastic winter. i would imagine that a lot of people probably didn't think it was fantastic by the time i got there, simply because it was such a heavy winter. but, since i only get to be there every few months, it's great to experience everything! park city is so incredible this winter. the snow was piled so high, people couldn't see out their front windows. breathtaking! there was one night that i was up at the spa late and it had been snowing off and on all day. i had my mom's car (which is all-wheel drive) and wasn't feeling as nervous about the drive down. and they usually keep the canyon pretty clear anyway. camie's always really great at calming my nerves too, because by that time she was an expert on driving in the snow! well, camie went down the canyon before me. i decided to stay up on main street to go and have a drink with one of our massage therapists, and friends, carolyn and at a really cool wine bar, baccus (i think that's the name). it had stopped snowing so i thought it would be fine. little did i know that camie was trying to call me, which i didn't have a connection where we were since we were underground, to tell me that the snow had started again. and it was coming down in buckets. i was literally in the wine bar for about an hour. when i came out, main street was covered with a couple feet of snow. in an hour! it was pure powder and so pretty, but i had this pang of anxiety in the pit of my stomach, i had to drive to draper tonight! i knew that if worse came to worst i could stay at my aunt's house in jeremy ranch, but i'd cross that bridge when i got there. good thing i'd had some wine, because it really calmed my nerves to drive home. it was not a lot, so i wasn't impaired! just calm. it was actually really beautiful. the major part of the storm had passed quickly and it wasn't snowing anymore. needless to say, it was quite an experience for a little island girl like me. poor camie thought that i'd died or something. she tried calling me, thinking i was behind her in the canyon. it all ended well and we made it home safely.

chad bud got sick towards the end of my trip. abbie was such a great support to the bud. i felt horrible that he was sick. and then... i got sick too! it was not what chad had, but something. i was sicker than i've been in a very long time. i got a fever and didn't realize it was a fever because i hadn't had one forever... i really just thought i was dying! my pops stayed home on tuesday morning, the day before i left, to take care of me. that was a first! and i'm not saying that negatively, it's just that it's usually my mom that takes care of me and since i'm 33 and haven't lived at home for many years, it was nice to have that. it was sweet! i'm so lucky to have so many thoughtful people in my life. really, i sit and think about it and get emotional.

now, i'm back in san pedro.

my dog is laying at my feet and i'm sitting in the spa, before the day starts. i've been crazy busy since i got back, catching up on things... which is wonderful. i love being busy. i've taken my moments to myself. in those moments i think about my trip, my family, my friends, my blesssings. oliver and i have been spending some great quality time together... we've been taking diego and carmen to the beach most mornings (since char and ted are in italy). i swim with the dogs while oliver lays in the hammock, watching us. we hold hands. we talk. it's so nice. i love those moments with my husband. and my dog. on sunday, we went to the beach with jordan and jomar as well. those boys are the lights of my life. they are so good and so real. there is nothing superficial about them. i thank god for them everyday. i sat on the stairs of the dock, with my feet in the clear water, the dogs swimming with the boys, oliver behind me laying in the hammock... i looked up into the sky and smiled... my cup runneth over.

crossing over

2008-01-20T18:28:00.000-06:00

so i figured i'd do what everyone else is doing. it's a fantastic way to keep everyone informed of my fabulous life! everyday is a new adventure and i am happy to share it with the wonderful people in my life! enjoy. as i know i will...