4 weeks after

charlie's halloween outfit
papa loving his 3rd grandson... so cute.
i could stare at this boy forever
what up g?
about 15 minutes out of the gate. what an emotional journey.
the night before when i entered into pre-labor
enjoying hanging out with the fam, waiting on baby
i'm so glad the parents were able to enjoy some time before baby
my nest is complete (until i am ready to do charlie's room)
the twins were hoping charlie was going to come on their birthday, sept. 30th so they could share with yet another...

tomorrow will be four weeks since charles oliver stuart was born. it is amazing to me how quickly the time goes. it seems that time (or the illusion of it) is mentioned so much when it comes to kids and babies growing. one is not really aware until it happens to them what it really means... you want to grab time and stop it, but alas, that is not possible. all we can do is try our hardest to be present and enjoy each and every moment we have.

so that's exactly what i've been doing. i am so in love with my little boy. he is my sunshine, my moonshine, my star, and everything in between. he has captured my heart and i don't really care if i ever get it back. people can describe their love for their children, but until you have one of your own, it's just not possible to grasp the depth of what they mean. i love my step kids so very much and appreciate our relationship beyond words. they've been amazing with charlie and me. the connection i have with little charlie, is indescribable. i was able to grow him, nourish him, protect him, for 40 weeks, to the day, and i am now enjoying the fruits of my labor (quite literally).

our birth experience was more magical than expected. even though i manifested a birth story in my head, i knew at the end of the day, i had to let it all go and know that it would happen the way that it was going to happen. i'm so grateful that i got exactly what i asked for (and prepared for and studied for)... a water birth, in the comfort of my own home, with my loved ones around me and incredible midwives. i cannot believe the strength i was able to muster to bring my beautiful baby into the world. and he came out swimming! amazing. oliver was able to catch him when he swam out of my womb. it was crazy!! i remember looking up at everyone above me, as i pushed charlie out and he was placed on my chest, there was not a dry eye. we were all so very connected at that moment... by a new life, a new beginning, a perfect soul that is all knowing and a part of the divine.

my entire birth story is in the works and will be posted here soon. it's quite the project for me as there are so many pieces to it.

charlie has continued to surprise me and amaze me just as he did in my womb. i loved being pregnant. everyday was a new experience and i grew to love my baby boy more and more as he grew. that has not stopped. i love him even more. every little breath, sound, reaction, each time he takes to my breast, makes me smile and sing a little song in my heart. he's here!

i was so grateful to have the support system that i did through the first weeks. my healing was a process and i needed the help more than i had realized. my mom and dad were here for two and three weeks, my mom three, my dad two. having my mom with me was perfect. she offered advice without being pushy or a know-it-all, even though i really do think she knows it all. i love hearing all the stories about my birth (and my siblings) and how mom healed from it, how long she breastfed, what milestones we all accomplished and when... it was so fun. once again, my mom and i were connected even more deeply than we already were. our relationship continues to reach new heights. now i'm a mom and i realize how deeply she loves her kids, because i now get to experience the same love. watching my dad gaze into charlie's eyes, knowing that my husband and my dad were the two men we named charlie after... was perfect. it is my hope that charlie will have the same qualities of his papa and daddy. they are two of the best men i know. i'm so lucky.

i am thankful to all the people who have been so helpful and loving throughout this journey. now that i'm finally exiting my haze of the healing stage and feeling like a normal human being again, i look forward to finding a new balance in my life. i really have no idea what it all looks like ahead, but i do know that my perspective on the future has changed completely. i'm no longer just living for myself, i'm living for my son. i hope i make him proud to be mine.

4 weeks left

bathroom, not completely done, but close!

computer space off in the distance... lots of room!

my plant is much happier in our room!

the queen size bed... until we get our king.

jomar on his bed, in our room.

jordan on his futon mattress, sleeping in our room. diego especially loves the bed on the floor, he gets to sleep with him. this is the almond tree right outside our window. the boys thought it would be fun to hang out in it for a little while. they created swings and sat and talked for about an hour.

this fish is so beautiful. don't worry, we let it go, but i just wanted to take a picture of it to show its beauty.

jords enjoying the fishing as well.

i know that i'm going to miss the feeling of my little charlie moving around inside my belly. i already know this. i always look forward to the next movement. everytime i feel this little boy making his presence be known, i stop whatever i'm doing and put my hands on my belly... a smile spreads on my face and my heart fills. char has even noticed me doing this a few times... especially when i'm teaching yoga. i feel so present when i'm teaching and charlie really seems to like when i'm stretching and moving into poses that he knows make me feel better and more myself. i do miss being able to extend further into poses. but i'll miss him in my belly, more, as i know this won't be happening for too much longer.

we're finally wrapping up this portion of additions and renovations on our house. i'm happy because i want my nest to feel finished and settled. i thrive on creating and when that creating forms a completion. i feel so much satisfaction. i love my new room and how much more space we've created for ourselves. i'm also glad that we chose to stay where we are... for now.
the only thing we haven't finished as of yet, is the painting in the boys' rooms. because of that, their rooms are a disaster. they brought their mattresses into our room to sleep. it's so cute. we're having family sleepovers. they think it's very cool and so do we! i love spending time with my cute boys. they're the best. it's great that 13, almost 14 year old boys still like their parents so much. we're all very lucky!
besides getting ready for baby, we also got to go out on the boat when ted's parents were here. they were here for about 10 days. we always love visitors and acting like "tourists". tom and shirley aren't really tourists though, they've been coming to belize since before i even knew it existed. they're so much fun. everytime they visit, they teach me some new game. this trip, it was cribbage... oh my goodness... love the game. char and i have had a lot of fun playing. the boys especially love tom and his magic tricks. it seems they have their own language. tom speaks magic and the boys understand. it's very sweet. i'm always grateful for having such lovely people in my life.

next visitors on the list??? mom and dad!!!!! cannot wait! hopefully charlie waits for their arrival to make HIS arrival.

additions

oli worn out from working on the house and the boat... i am able to take this kind of picture OFTEN.

my addition in the addition. 8 months.

in the spa. 8 months.

our new windows and the pretty trees outside.

same 22" tile that we have in the spa. love it.

a tuckered diego, just like his dad.

oli showing me the bathroom and telling me what we'll be doing (or maybe it was me telling him what we were doing).

the day the boys left. they were sooooo excited!!

first off... my addition, charlie, is coming along just perfectly. i went to the doc yesterday to get my check-ups. even though i am delivering with a midwife, she isn't here on the island so i go to the local OBGYN to get my check-ups. he said that this little one is doing well and is almost 5 1/2 pounds already and about 18 inches long. i'm not sure how he is able to tell that... but he measured the femur and head and came up with the guesstimate. the baby is also already engaged, which for those of you who don't know, means he's face down and in the correct position. the doc said that this is a good sign saying that i'll likely have a normal birth. that made me very happy as i want a natural, water birth, so badly. i know that things can come up... but i continue to stay positive, take care of myself, exercise and send love to this little unborn baby.

i feel more and more movement, not more frequent, only more umph. charlie is strong and making his presence known regularly. to this point, the movement has been my very favorite thing about being pregnant. oh my goodness... i think the biggest reason i love it so much is that i know he's alive and well. if he doesn't move for awhile, my heart sinks a little when i realize it's been awhile and i do something that i know he doesn't like, so that he'll move abruptly to let me know he's there (mostly i just lie down on my back because he doesn't love that position). he he. that's probably mean, but he'll understand one day... or simply not remember that his mom is a meanie.

as far as our other addition... on our house... it's almost done. i'm posting some pictures of it as it's coming along. even since i took these last pictures a few days ago, they've made great progress. they've painted, chocolate and tan on the walls and have finished putting in the countertop tile in the bathroom, which is a lime green. i LOVE it! i'm so thrilled to have more space. i cannot wait to move in. then, we can get charlie's nursery done and repaint and tile the boys' rooms and the rest of the house. this has been fulfilling my nesting need so perfectly. i am already a creator... i love following things from start to finish, i love color, the smell of paint, the sound of wood cutting, and all the other things that go along with creating spaces... being pregnant only enhances this urge of mine.
i feel so fulfilled right now. oliver and i definitely go about things a little differently... but it's good. we've learned a lot about each other. i have been shown his creative process and he has seen mine. it's funny... we're almost opposite in some things. we just laugh at each other or try to wring the other's neck. the end is always the same though. we love it and it's soooo much fun.
the boys got back from the states yesterday. i'm so happy to have them home. they had a wonderful time on their trip. they loved their week in wisconsin where they danced their little hearts out and learned a lot from all their many teachers. their favorite was the male hip hop teacher, hmmmm, that's surprising. they spent a day in chicago, taking the train, going to "the bean", wrigley field. then they were in orlando for two weeks. they went to sea world three times and LOVED every visit. their favorite fastfood was subway. i was secretly proud that they didn't say mcdonald's. they even got little treats for their little brother.... jomar got him a hoodie from old navy and a onesie and jords got him a onesie that says "my dad's a superhero". i think they even grew a couple inches. they're getting so big!

it seems everything is coming together. the family is back together and our nest is almost ready. charlie has around 7 weeks left to roast and put on weight. i'm so excited to meet him... but want him to wait (please) for his grandparents to arrive on the boys' birthday, september 30th. my due date is october 5th. fingers crossed!!! i know he'll come when he's ready... and i know it'll all be perfect and what it is.

growth

my view

today, 29 weeks

my birthday celebration at char and ted's. sylvia cooked us a yummy meal and made me a lovely cake!

taken today, just over 29 weeks

jomar's photography... and that's me at 28 weeks

28 weeks

cute diego on dad's birthday

27 weeks... up at rojo enjoying a day off

27 weeks again

besides my growing baby and belly, i've also turned a year older. 35 is the number of years i've been in this world and i'm all the wiser (i type with a smirk on my face). i feel so grateful everyday for this growing baby. my birthday this year was speckled with love from every part of my life. my husband, step kids, sister and brother-in-law and his family, and one little being that was with me the entire day, snuggling so close to my heart. i feel him, every move he makes. it brings a smile to my face every time i feel my little guy making his presence be known. i know you're in there baby. i feel my heart swell a bit more each day with an affection for him that is indescribable.

i received a lot of birthday wishes from friends and family far and near. my mom and dad, chris, grandma crane and melissa all called me from wherever they were in their worlds. my wish on my birthday each year is to spend time with myself and those i love. my wish came true once again this year, just like all the others. unfortunately i wasn't able to be with everyone physically, but you can be sure i was everyone spiritually and emotionally.

as i continue through my life, i realize more and more how much i love this experience i've created for myself, how comfortable i am in my body, even though at the moment i have a few aches and pains due to a growing baby, i cherish it all. this new journey i'm on is one for the books. and in my books i've been writing it all down. i know one day i will look back on this time as a pure blessing. i think about my mom, giving birth to me 35 years ago and how magical it must've been. i was clueless to the love my mom and dad had for me. i know now, more than ever, how much their hearts were bursting for this little girl they'd brought into the world. and the cycle continues. my charlie will be with us in about 3 months. life will be so much fuller. who knew that was even possible?

i hope you find fullness in your life too... thank you all for being a part of mine.

another trip home

a profile of baby stuart at 24 weeks... so cute.

parker, at my baby shower, stuffing all the tissue paper in his shirt to look pregnant like me... gabe did the same thing. silly kids!

opening one, of many, thoughtful and generous gifts given to me by my friends and family. this little boy is going to have a lot of fun things to wear and play with, same with me.

dad and char at the family shower... it was gay pride day as well. dad was paying tribute by acting feminine and wearing his lime green shirt. he fit the part perfectly!

most nights produce incredible sunsets in salt lake, this night was no different. we went to hires and this was the view outside the window. char and i ran around the parking lot taking pictures of random things... this was the best one.

proof that chris was in st. george with us... that's mom talking to him while enjoying the sun and pool.

first sleep after coming back from korea. mr. tengler did not want to get out of bed that day... but we made him!

all of us enjoying the pool. char and her creative ways of protecting her skin from the sun. that or she just had no idea what it was.

it's taken me awhile to get this post up... but i got it up nonetheless...

my month in utah, and the surrounding areas, was so needed. i didn't work at all, which is very unusual for me. i was able to spend quality time with everyone... although there are some i didn't get to spend enough time with... which happens. time does go by quickly. i am able to appreciate the people in my life. especially now that i'm growing a life. my little guy grew so much while we were gone. his daddy and brothers were very surprised. now that they know that he can hear voices, they bend down a few times a day to speak to him. very sweet.

my mom and dad are always over accommodating and wonderful. it was lovely to be on holiday with my sis. she and i are so good together and have such similar likes (and dislikes). the weather was spectacular. the rain didn't leave us for an entire 24 hours pretty much the whole time. the mountains were singing, i could hear them. this summer in utah will be incredible... allowing for an even more incredible fall. my little one will be coming in 2 1/2- 3 months... fall time. pretty amazing to think about.

as i was packing my stuff to head back to belize, i got a little choked up, as always, but was thrilled to see my family here. being pregnant makes things so much more meaningful, deliberate, in-the-moment, real, emotional.

we also got to have a surprise party for chad. he turned 30! crazy. he was genuinely surprised, or he's just really good at acting that way. it was rainy, but still fun. it's always nice to show someone, especially your brother, how much you love and appreciate him.

something lacking during our visit was our family now residing in arkansas. we sure missed chris, jayme and the kids. the whole trip... especially during the celebrations.

i look forward to my next trip... with my baby boy, hopefully in march 2010. until then... love to you all. thank you for an incredible trip.

daddy's day

happy father's day to you dad. i love you so much. i sit and think about how significant you've always been in my life. no matter where i am or what i'm doing... you're in it. i hope you realize how important you are.

my dad is the type of guy that makes you laugh without trying. you can be sure that if you're having a down day, he'll call or email and make sure that by the end... you're smiling and thinking about how great life is. you forget why you're having a bad day in the first place. that's a gift. i remember being a kid and thinking how lucky i was to have a dad that was a real part of my life... not just stepping in every once in awhile. he was always there... always. and still is. i had hoped to find a man who possessed the same qualities my dad does. even though i had to travel all the way to belize and set down some roots... i found him. oli is another dad who has made his own path, learning to be a dad all his own. i have so much respect for him and his ability to be an unconditional and strong example to his kids. they are lucky to have him. just as i am lucky to have mine!

now that i'm bringing another manchild into the world... it is my biggest wish that he takes after his papa and dad... two of the most incredible men i've ever been so lucky to meet... and share my life with. thanks!

happy father's day to all the dads in my life... i love you all.

life in the fast lane

little boy stuart

cute little profile

in the middle of all our fun, the wine dinner at red ginger was incredible!!

5 months

my little one's first outfit (purchased by me)... mom and char have already bought cute things for baby blue

front desk at sol spa... my biggest helper, oliver, standing there waiting for some assistance

our spa bathroom

char's esthetic room

my treatment room

the cool lights that adorn the spa. they were quite a puzzle to put together

lounge area... pictures haven't been hung quite yet.

melancholy diego the day i left for salt lake

oli and i at the wine dinner

the last little while has been a little crazy with growing a baby, moving into a new space (sol spa), arranging a month long trip to utah (yeah) and raising 13 year old twins boys. each thing being wonderful and challenging all at the same time.

being pregnant has been so wonderful and introspective. i've learned so much about myself. i realize how sentimental i am. i think sometimes i try to deny it, but boy, these pregnancy hormones will not stand for that. all my emotions have been running free for awhile now. it's nice, most of the time. poor oliver is witness to the fun rollercoaster ride everyday and he always has a smile on his face. he has surprised me the most through all this. not that i didn't think, deep down, that he would be amazing, but you never know when certain events come up, what will happen and what will be the reaction. he has stepped up 120% to being a great dad (he already is to his 3 bigger kids, but i'm talking about the one inside me)... he helps me with everything, no questions asked. he doesn't allow me to lift a finger, unless i sneak. i am trying very hard to honor my body and be nice to it. i of course, am an independent woman and find it difficult sometimes to allow oliver, or anyone else, to help me. i'm getting better.

i arrived in salt lake with charlene, on thursday. the week before we came, we moved sol spa into its final destination at the phoenix resort. it's a stunning place. i LOVE it so much. i've included a few of those pictures. i'm so glad to be here in salt lake, but we didn't have even a full day to enjoy our new space... something to look forward to when we get home!

the twins have been full on lately. i think it's for a number of reasons, but mostly i think it's because they're teenagers. they're trying really hard to figure out their place in the world and most of it is by doing the wrong thing. wow. overwhelming and wonderful. at the end of the day... they are incredible kids and i adore them. they teach me a lot every single day.

as for the little one inside me...

mom, char and i went shopping the first day we were here (of course, can't resist) and saw that there was a fetal studio in the mall. we got the ultrasound right there on the spot and found out that i'm having a boy!!!! i'm so damn excited. so is my cute oliver. well, i think everyone is. i can now feel him kicking too. as i was getting the ultrasound i could see when he would kick me and connect the feeling to the movement. i've been feeling him for quite awhile, i just didn't know i was. the beauty of being pregnant for the first time.

i'm so glad i found out the sex of this baby. i don't know why i wanted to know so badly. i think because a lot of people were thinking i was having a girl and i just didn't know. now i do! i'm so thrilled to continue this journey with this little one and all the fantastic, unconditional people around me.

today, sunday, we're heading up to park city to visit grandma. dad's in korea for the week so we get to have lots of girl time. although, i think dad enjoys girl time too!

springtime here is completely on! the first thing i do in the morning is open my windows to let the fresh air in and the sound of the happy birds all around. i love utah in the spring!

hope you're having a wonderful spring day too...